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Joan Rolls
Joan Rolls
Oct 24, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Paper Faces

Death, it sucks. It sucks for those left living
Those photos, with you and I smiling
They make me so sad, I want to scream
I need to run, to hide, to never dream

There are so many of you gone now,
All stuck in a book, a frame or a box
Friends and babies, pets and a lover
Uncles and aunts, a dad and a brother

Black and white, sepia or in colour
Your faces on my walls, flat under glass
Imprinted in my brain, embedded in my heart
Smiling, paper faces just tearing me apart

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: myall lakes australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The lyrics of songs inspire me most these days, Bob Dylan, Paul Kelly and Pink Floyd mostly., Nature and children are also a huge inspiration!

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

9 years 8 months ago

Very good...

presentation! I really enjoyed this one! I liked the story, I liked the word usage and the ending. It seemed to flow very well and the way you rhymed the last two lines instead of all lines or every other, added to the show. Nice work, ~ Geezer

Rula

Rula

9 years 8 months ago

Laura

This is a touching piece. I bet anyone and everyone can relate to it. The title fits really well.
I would drop the word "death" because it's implied in the rest of the first verse. (IMO)
As we have just finished the workshop, I'd also suggest changing the trochaic lines to iambic for a better flow, just my opinion.
Thanks for sharing.

Joan Rolls

Joan Rolls

9 years 8 months ago

Thanks rula. I changed dead

Thanks rula. I changed dead to gone. Better I think. Funny how I wrote it in trochaic. Dont usually. Ill try it in iambic also as you suggested. Joan

R

raj

9 years 8 months ago

Joan, some noteworthy aspects

Joan, some noteworthy aspects of this poem for me:-

truly "touching" as Rula has commented
beautiful rhyme sequence which is not at all forced
creates the mood , emotions and sentiments of the poet so honestly
i liked the repetition of the words "it sucks" in the opening line,
a befitting title too..

a pleasure reading this poem even though it expresses the sad mood..

Regards,

wesley snow

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

Rhythm vs. Meter

I liked the "rhythm" of the poem for the most part. "Metrically" I would have preferred to have heard a more consistent one (which means deciding which meter you will use and using it).
The subject is too close to talk about.

Don't change this poem, but I challenge you to write your next poem in one meter only with a consistent rhyme scheme. In other words... a structured Western poem.
I would love to help if you're willing. I think the organization you showed in the workshop exercises should influence your poetry for a little while.
Think about it.