Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Dec 15, 2015
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Untitled
A whisper of breath
breaks the silence
A whiff of the sweetened air.
I stare.
...a strained gasp
The sun sweeps the room
caressing your skin
A caramel kiss I crave.
You stare.
...a soft smile
The dust dances in the air to the distant melody
Your hands in mine...
A yearning that echoes in defiance,
yet never came to pass
You fade, a remnant husk
A rift in what could have been.
An unfleeting memory
edged on the horizon of my mind
I remember. A hollowed souvenir
A flashback bereft of existence.
Spawned of my idleness
surviving only as a distorted antiquity
The cold reality closes around me
You were never mine
Just the whisper of another life
I dream had come pass.
LM 2015/12/15
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Between the line breaks and the wording, I am having a bit of trouble setting a pace and refining the tone. So much so, I can't even think of a title.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
wesley snow
9 years 10 months ago
Bravo.
I must say though that it bordered western structure in its form. Elegantly written with style.
I can make but one suggestion.
Use "a" before a consonant and "an" before a vowel. The line below should read "a".
surviving only as an distorted antiquity
That's the best I can do.
TheDarkOne
9 years 10 months ago
Oops. Thanks for that. I don
Oops. Thanks for that. I don't think I have had this much uncertainty about a piece before
wesley snow
9 years 10 months ago
Why?
It's as good or better than your other works.
Why the apprehension?