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Apr 02, 2016
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Reflections - Shakespearian Sonnet
Yesterday I learned a heart was pained
by foolish words, an idle jest gone wrong;
a friend whose loving-kindness never waned
despaired of trust she’d given for so long.
Yesterday I drowned in my own shame,
the cause of such unwarranted distress;
we say, to err is human, there’s no blame,
but friendship must be caring, nonetheless.
Yesterday can’t be reintroduced,
the forlorn hope, engender a fresh start
but when bad fruit is carelessly produced
it rots away, a canker to the heart.
One adage from the past invades my sleep,
if foolishness is sown, it’s all we reap.
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
9 years 3 months ago
I like this...
the rhythm is a little bit off here and there, but not enough to really matter. The story is good and well told. Sounds like a truth revealed and accepted. Nice work. ~ Geezer
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Rhythm
Rhythm is important to me. I experiment with it continually. Please be so good as to point out to me where you find it jars. I will endevour to smooth it out.
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
hello Keith
are you attempting a sonnet here. I think this has the bones of a good one.
Let me know if you need me to parse this for you as sonnets are really v.strict forms.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Parsing
Unless I am very much mistaken this is a Shakespearian Sonnet. Feel free to parse as you will. Personally I always go by how well the rhythm works. It feels ok to me even with the headless iamb starting line nine.
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
first two quatrains
Yesterday I learned a heart was pained [ yesterday is a "dactyl" foot] [the line is one syllable less]
by foolish words, an idle jest gone wrong;[ perfect iamb]
a friend whose loving-kindness never waned [perfect iamb]
despaired of trust she’d given for so long.[ perfect iamb]
Yesterday I drowned in my own shame, [almost same problem of the first line] [also "in my" are both unstressed syllables ]
the cause of such unwarranted distress; [ all iamb]
we say, to err is human, there’s no blame, [iamb]
but friendship must be caring, nonetheless. [iamb]
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Reading
Thank you for taking the time to look at my humble verse. It is appreciated. Of course it's a matter of how you read it. The two lines starting "yesterday" are meant to start with heavy stresses. In an otherwise totally iambic line this, I thought, was usually recognised as headless iambs. As I said, it's how you read it, "in MY" is how I read it. It's important, the shame belongs to me, therefor MY is stressed. I don't write to try to fit a standard form exactly as scanned on paper, I right to be read out loud (or at least articulated in the mind). Show me where something does not fit the rhythm and I'll try to resolve it.
Shakespeare Sonnet 154
The little Love-god lying once asleep,
Laid by his side his heart-inflaming brand,
Whilst many nymphs that vowed chaste life to keep,
Came tripping by, but in her maiden hand,
The fairest votary took up that fire,
Which many legions of true hearts had warmed,
And so the general of hot desire,
Was sleeping by a virgin hand disarmed.
This brand she quenched in a cool well by,
Which from Love's fire took heat perpetual,
Growing a bath and healthful remedy,
For men discased, but I my mistress' thrall,
Came there for cure and this by that I prove,
Love's fire heats water, water cools not love.
Parse line 11, does it not start with 3 soft beats?
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
keith
It would be great if you can record this using "soundcloud" and send the link
Spoken poetry is great of course.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Will do
I shall purchase a microphone as soon as may be and do just as you suggest, although this cloud thingy is kind of new to me.
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
sorry
I am on my cell phone. I might be able to do the rest tomorrow if this of any help
.
Please let me know.
raj
9 years 3 months ago
Hi Keith
I have always struggled with strict form structured poetry, however for me it ran smoothly on tongue and I liked the theme...
Regards,
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
smoothly on tongue
that is all I ask of any of my poems. If you found yourself stressing the yesterdays, then my writing worked.
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Strict form
is a bit of a misnomer. Those who master it move on to playing with the form, often winding up with what some consider to be a new form