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You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle;
by one wrong word, you came undone
and now you're in a man-made muddle
She wears her scorn now, on shoulders,
shuddering under a brow black shawl;
you thought it would make you bolder
and that thought traversed the wall
And made it past your guarded lips,
and wouldn't mean anything at all.
You've made a widow of those hallowed hips,
and a widower of passion who falls
on the mercy of a shrine to this fate:
where two hearts, swollen black with hate;
enfold and dismantle every gentle kiss
and all the gathered moments come too late
To hide a truth, that you laid bare,
dull thudding like a dental pain
The truth is that you were never there
and time will remind you, over again
You'll keep, in generational wounds,
your longing spirit, distilling;
that fear woven solitude looms,
and the time will go on killing.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is rough - in progress - more to come. Edit: OK a bit more, hopefully satisfying the grammarians out there (of which, I'm not one) - never say never though.All comments helpful.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Keith Logan
9 years 3 months ago
Grammar
Hello vandiemenspeak,
You have a fine grasp of rhyme.
Rhythm lets you down a little.
I could not follow the thread of your thoughts as laid down.
Maybe you should edit this a little and fix the grammar.
vandiemenspeak
9 years 3 months ago
Hey Keith.
Granted, it does need work, i thought i had it in "rough draft" - and i do intend to come back to this - soon.
Thanks.
alidzain
9 years 3 months ago
Hi there!
I love rhyme and imagery.
Alid
vandiemenspeak
9 years 3 months ago
Thanks again Alid
Glad you enjoyed, will be getting a polish this one.
Parthy
3 years 10 months ago
Hello
I enjoyed the read some interesting thoughts as it is a first draft there is time to adjust the syntax and some of the punctuation eg First stanza.
You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle
by one wrong word, you came undone,
now you're in a man-made muddle.