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You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle;
by one wrong word, you came undone
and now you're in a man-made muddle

She wears her scorn now, on shoulders,
shuddering under a brow black shawl;
you thought it would make you bolder
and that thought traversed the wall

And made it past your guarded lips,
and wouldn't mean anything at all.
You've made a widow of those hallowed hips,
and a widower of passion who falls

on the mercy of a shrine to this fate:
where two hearts, swollen black with hate;
enfold and dismantle every gentle kiss
and all the gathered moments come too late

To hide a truth, that you laid bare,
dull thudding like a dental pain
The truth is that you were never there
and time will remind you, over again

You'll keep, in generational wounds,
your longing spirit, distilling;
that fear woven solitude looms,
and the time will go on killing.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is rough - in progress - more to come. Edit: OK a bit more, hopefully satisfying the grammarians out there (of which, I'm not one) - never say never though.All comments helpful.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Tasmania, AUS

Favorite Poets: Glen Richards, Thomas Hardy, Phillip Larkin, Robert Frost, William Carlos Williams, Carol Ann Duffy , Ani DiFranco, Seamus Heaney, Emily Dickinson, T. S. Elliot

More from this author

Comments

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years 3 months ago

Grammar

Hello vandiemenspeak,
You have a fine grasp of rhyme.
Rhythm lets you down a little.
I could not follow the thread of your thoughts as laid down.
Maybe you should edit this a little and fix the grammar.

vandiemenspeak

vandiemenspeak

9 years 3 months ago

Hey Keith.

Granted, it does need work, i thought i had it in "rough draft" - and i do intend to come back to this - soon.

Thanks.

P

Parthy

3 years 10 months ago

Hello

I enjoyed the read some interesting thoughts as it is a first draft there is time to adjust the syntax and some of the punctuation eg First stanza.
You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle
by one wrong word, you came undone,
now you're in a man-made muddle.