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Rula
Rula
Apr 19, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Just passing Through

You said you're no one; a just passer-through,
a mere dim light, a shadow in the night,
a guest, who seeks some rest, a farewell, adieu.
You said you're no one; a just passer-through,
but you infused my pen with muse anew,
and stirred my heart, you glimmered my sight
though you said you're no one; a passer- through,
a mere dim light, a shadow in the night.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

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More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Thank you

Lovedly. Appreciate your kind words.

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years 3 months ago

Knock You on your back?

I think not. The title is apt.
Language, bright and descriptive.
Rhythm, fluid.
Pattern, consistent throughout.
Pacing, easy flow.
In fact it benefits from the fact that English is not your first language.
Such wonderful phrases as glimmered my sight would be unlikely from a native speaker.
All in all, it worked for me.

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Thank you

Mr. Logan for the visit.
The triolet, is one french form. You might like to give it a shot if you haven't yet.

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years 3 months ago

I have tried

and failed so badly that I did not even keep an archive of my efforts. At the time, I was searching out different forms and trying to master them. I came to the conclusion that the percentage of readable poems that came from these exercises was so poor that the effort was essentially a waste of time. Yours is indeed one of the better ones but I stand by that decision for self.

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Salam brother

This french form is not a strict one in meter or syllable count like the sonnet. Tetrameter or pentameter most likely to be. It is eight lines. The refrain is repeated on line 4 and 7. The second line is repeated in line 8 with the rhyme scheme ABaAabAB where the capital
A and B stand for the refrain repeated.

Roscoe Lane

Roscoe Lane

9 years 3 months ago

Only,

Only change i'd make is in line six, ( you stirred my heart, glimmered my sight.) apart from that i like it very much. Love Roscoe...

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Hello Rosco

Great to see you here. I appreciate it if you tell me what/why exactly you didn't like that line.
Appreciate your feedback.

E

eightmenout

9 years 3 months ago

Dearest Rula

Thank you for posting. You have the bones of a wonderful poem here. I shall return to it with my full thoughts later as a muse has struck me.

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

dearest Scott

I shall be waiting for your feedback. Hope it's not that bad :)

R

raj

9 years 3 months ago

Hi Rula

This appears to conform to some kind of poetry form because I can see refrains and may be some rhyme sequence too...apparently a tough ask for amateurs like me....i liked it...have you deliberately omitted the word [just] in the refrain at L7? you always like to try out some novel forms like the one you have posted here..

Regards,

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Hello raj

Thanks for passing through :)
I don't know why do you insist on belittling yourself. Everyone knows that you write great poetry. Now,
About this form you're right, it's a french form "triolet". Hope you would give it a shot. No strict meter or syllable count.

Sparrow

Sparrow

9 years 3 months ago

raj

Triolet

Poem

A triolet is a stanza poem of eight lines. Its rhyme scheme is ABaAabAB and often all lines are in iambic tetrameter: the first, fourth and seventh lines are identical, as are the second and final lines, thereby making the initial and final couplets identical as well.
Hope this explains what you are looking for, Yours Ian..

R

raj

9 years 3 months ago

Thanks Ian for an elaborate

Thanks Ian for an elaborate information on Triolet.

Gosh! it's much tougher that Rula made it out to be..i get nightmares at the mention of iambic, meters and strict rhyme sequence :)

Thanks again,
..

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Hello raj

Sorry I forgot to mention that I intentionally dropped the (just) to keep the rhythm. Do you think I need it ?

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

Salam Khalid

Thank you for reading. Appreciate the visit and the comment

Sparrow

Sparrow

9 years 3 months ago

Rula Salaam

We are all passing through, lovely write here and twigging a memory of having to stop off someplace to write things in the shadows of the evenings.
The muses play with the shadows as people play with feelings, think on fair maiden of the sandy vista, there in the light and heat of day we will find inner peace,
Yours as always Ian..x

Rula

Rula

9 years 3 months ago

hello Ian

I am pleased to know that this piece appeals to you. I too am happy with it after the long drought.
Appreciate the kind visit!