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R
raj
May 17, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Short Lived

With a quill I wrote verses
in lavish strokes of pink
somewhere along the line
I ran out of your ink
no other ink can ever script
those mystic duets
of a poem once begun
but without an end line...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

Esker

Esker

9 years 1 month ago

Isotope

tracing the complicated rivers
within....
the ink like a dye
the matters of the Heart!

thank U!

they have a short life span
but shed much insight
in medical
Love is oft like this

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

I must thank you Esker rather

I must thank you Esker rather than you thanking me...it's a privilege when the likes of you, Keith , Judyanne spare time, make constructive suggestions and appreciate my effort..

Regards,

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years 1 month ago

I like this

Indeed I only comment on poems I like
but I have one or two suggestions;
1st. it naturally breaks into two quatrains.
2nd.Third line from end I would drop "rest of"
3rd. Second line from end I would drop "which had"
I think something along those line would be a final polish.

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thanks Keith for your time

Thanks Keith for your time and for your valued suggestions which I find worthy to implement...

Regards,

judyanne

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

Raj

This is beautiful

I agree with Keith's suggestions
as well I would like to suggest that you change 'write'to 'wrote' in the first verse, in order to bring the tense in line with the rest of the poem....
also, verse 4, I suggest changing 'no ink' to 'no other ink'

(Just me)

An emotive and gentle write - i really love it
Hugs
judy xxx

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Hi Lovedly

ofcourse folks here do make suggestions to you too...

thanks for the time and visit..

Regards,

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Hi Judyanne...

Hi Judyanne...

So nice of you to stop by and thank you for your chime ...your suggestion of course is spot on just like Keith's ...i shall adopt them pronto...in fact i had originally written "no other ink" and later had dropped "other" ...your suggestion to restore "other" tells me I was right in the first place...

Much love and hugs...

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Keith, Esker, Judyanne, Lovedly

What do you think about the Title? I was initially thinking about "Longing"..will appreciate your thoughts on the Title..

Regards,

Esker

Esker

9 years 1 month ago

I ike the title....

because its a lead on to more
then just the following
expectation of title prompts

thank U

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thanks Esker for the

Thanks Esker for the confirmation that you find the title appropriate.

Regards,

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years 1 month ago

Well

I quite like "End Point" which would tie in with the last line.

judyanne

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

I like your title

But I'll suggest others ....
unfinished
incomplete
found wanting

Just one more suggestion - drop the last word and finish with just 'but without an end'
(just my opinion, of couse)

Love judy
xxx

R

raj

9 years 1 month ago

Thank you Judyanne for coming

Thank you Judyanne for coming back and your suggestions. I will think about them..

Much love and hugs...