judyanne

May 21, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

if

.
if tears were pebbles
and pain mortar
I could build a bridge to forever
and find you
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

Comments

mand

9 years 1 month ago

Judy

So much pain in these words - the recipient of these words would know how much they are missed and the lengths you would go to in order to be with them! :)

Short yet telling! :)

Love to you and yours xx

Mand xxx

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

thank you Mand

for the read and kind comment
love judy
xxx

Geezer

9 years 1 month ago

How could the one...

who read these words not want to rush to build their own bridge back to you?
Outstanding! ~ Gee

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

hi Gee

Thank you very much for the supportive review
love judy
xxx

lovedly

9 years 1 month ago

deep pain you spike into each one who

deep pain you spike into each one
who

have left a life
forlorn for you

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

hello loved

Thanks for the supportive comment
love judy
xxx

brittle light

9 years 1 month ago

stocked, and stuffed with

stocked, and stuffed with feeling, yes; but
the wrapping jumps out in front

a precious emotion skillfully packaged in stunning cleverness, wit, and surprise
not a bad days work

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

Al

Thank you so much for the very supportive comment.
I was a tad concerned that this might be a little too Hallmarky... but your words have relieved that somewhat

Just curious - I've changed 'bricks' to 'pebbles' - do you think that increases the imagery effectively?

Love judy
xxx

brittle light

9 years 1 month ago

hallmarky..no. More like

hallmarky..no. More like Dorothy Parker without the overt cynicism.

When I hear a record for the first time and love it, any changes or cover versions don't thrill me the same way.
If I had read the "pebbles" version first, I think I would have liked it just as much, but 'brick', I think, is a stronger, more straight forward image/path to the bridge building.

til next time,

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

I'm of two minds

I like the sound imaging of 'brick' ...
but the thought of how many pebbles it would take to build a bridge to forever in my mind increases the number of tears needed (even though that is theoretically not correct considering the properties of infinity....)
and tears being more to the size of pebbles....
lol -i hate having to make these choices....

I'll have to think about it... maybe I'll get tome other opinions...

As for the comparison to Dorothy Parker... thank you, that's a compliment indeed
love judy
xxx

raj

9 years 1 month ago

What can I say Judyanne..

What can I say Judyanne...ummmmmmmmm i will just say it is a gem of a crisp poem...each wod is so thoughtfully placed like a perfect diamond necklace

much love and hugs...

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

Raj

Thank you for the so very kind comment
hugs
judy
xxx

Keith Logan

9 years 1 month ago

Just a thought

If pain were bricks
and tears their mortar

The lines that follow are brilliant.

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

thanks Keith

I like the imagery your version gives - pain can very much feel as if bricks are weighing down - I feel as if there is a brick in my midriff as I say those words...
but
I've actually changed the 'bricks' to 'pebbles' - probably since you read it....
I think that fits better as they are more the size of tears -' bricks' images a lot larger... would take less to make the bridge...lol

So, using that imagery I think also works better than using your very good suggestion
I'd love your opinion..
Love judy
xxx

judyanne

9 years 1 month ago

oh duh me

I see that you refer to 'their' instead of 'was'
I tried it, then decided to leave the word out altogether

Thanks Keith
love judy
xxx