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May 24, 2016
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Walking through
Happy, happy faces all around
nobdy is sad. Well, who made up feelings?
Who encaged human beings? - Nobody
Look at nature revolving,
look at men not evolving:
names, gods, theories, numbers...
believe whatever you want to believe
Stop. Begin.
I got my mind and that is my biggest problem
I got my heart and that is my biggest empire
I stepped behind and I broke a glass
I rose up and I touched your smile
So cmon keep reaching the unknown
Slide down beneath the doors.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Please I need some feedback before applying to University to get a creative writing bachelors.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Esker
9 years 1 month ago
like the quest feel
this poem has zeal!
like the philosophy
within the write
a different voice
and some pretty
cool descriptors
kind of brain
bending!
thank U and Welcome!
ines
9 years 1 month ago
thank you so much for the
thank you so much for the feedback :)
Sparrow
9 years 1 month ago
Ines
Welcome to Neopoet group, your write was as Steve said a bending of thought.
Well done and you go ahead and succeed at UNI, makes this old guy jealous that you are at the point of choosing to go to Uni, there is a world out there go and embrace it, always remember that the journey is not easy, but the end product is ell worth it.
Stay with us here and participate as you go through your studies we can all keep learning, Yours, Ian.T
ines
9 years ago
Thank you captain Sparrow,
Thank you captain Sparrow,
Your message has impacted my life actually, specially the last paragraph :)
judyanne
9 years ago
i finally got here
Welcome again
great write....
Happy, happy faces all around
nobdy is sad. Well, who made up feelings?
Who encaged human beings? - Nobody
(I wonder if you need the last 'nobody')
I got my mind and that is my biggest problem
I got my heart and that is my biggest empire
(I'd suggest you change this to something more succinct and perhaps better grammar
maybe
my mind is my biggest problem
my heart my biggest empire
- the reader knows you have your mind and heart - superfluous info lol)
I stepped behind and I broke a glass
I rose up and I touched your smile
So cmon keep reaching the unknown
Slide down beneath the doors.
(Love this last stanza)
Enjoyed
love judy
xxx
lovedly
9 years ago
points 1 2 3.....
So cmon
no texting in neopoetry
why all first letter caps
edit quickly
more will read the
two great poets have already