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judyanne
judyanne
Jul 01, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Paradise Lost

I was
two sided mintage;
sculptured perfection;
both stranger and pilgrim,
passing through.

But I lived as if I forever
belonged to this land.

And, within the violence of
forgotten illusion
where past and future
merge as today,

the coin has lost the emboss;

has become scratched metal,
unable to grasp
the truth of the now.
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

More from this author

Comments

Esker

Esker

9 years ago

deeply philosphically

moving
painting a seascene
or the emotive
power of human
endurance and survival
U do both well

and for all living
is something we
strive and whats
best for us!

thank U!

Esker

Esker

9 years ago

I see what U mean now

all the analogies metaphor
value...the meaning
of meaning
the mar of life
losing the gift that
which was given in
our eye
the impression remains
memory

thank U!

E

eleanor prince

9 years ago

Really enjoyed your poem - it

Really enjoyed your poem - it feels innovative in style and interesting in content. At first a line jarred a bit but I'm not sure how to correct it, if at all...warming to it:

as past and future
merge to today,

Thought at first to delete 'to today' as it feels a bit cumbersome repetition of 'to', and I felt it would suggest today anyway... Maybe:

as past and future
meet this day (or: 'merge to the present')

Loved:

within the violence of
forgotten illusion

judyanne

judyanne

9 years ago

hello eleanor

Glad you enjoyed this
Thanks so much for your thoughts - I will think about your suggestion
love judy
xxx

vandiemenspeak

vandiemenspeak

9 years ago

Feels like a song of another country

A lost country, a past that was perfect, untarnished. The future uncertain. i particularly liked the symbol of the coin, scratched away, losing it's meaning, as though a coin toss would mean nothing, perhaps? Very prescient given our current situation down here. loved this Judy, nothing to suggest :)

Take care,

Chris.

judyanne

judyanne

9 years ago

hi Chris

Thanks heaps for the read and very supportive comment
love judy
xxx