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Jul 04, 2016
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Finding Home (edit)
The way home
Is not always found
On the road
Or just traveling around
The way home
Is a mental state
Created by longing
Hope and a little fate
A smell from a kitchen
The sounds of children
Playing in a yard
Seem familiar and common
The lake, park
Or a diner
On Sunday morning
With my father
A picture in the mind
Of somewhere safe
With happy people
Who were so kind
There are times
That we don’t see
Where home is at
For lack of a key
That lost moment
In a world that has forgotten.
Feeling abandoned,
Like an enfant
Some how
The power of a memory
Takes us straight back
And so abruptly
Isn’t it wonderful!!
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
8 years 11 months ago
true
'Is a metal state' did you mean mental?
Might I suggest that some negative associations might add to the robustness of the piece?
Eduardo Cruz
8 years 11 months ago
Jess,
Yes Mental is correct, as I always say. "Run away fingers"
I have taken your suggestion and added the negative associations.
Thanks brother!
Eddie C.
weirdelf
8 years 11 months ago
Just my opinion, of course
I feel the piece is stronger now. Good revisions.
Eduardo Cruz
8 years 11 months ago
Jess,
It still needs more work...
Eddie C.
wesley snow
8 years 11 months ago
Sorry Eduardo,
but I didn't much care for it as poetry. I love the theme and the vignettes are compelling, but it isn't poetry in my ear.
This is a "list" poem and I'm not crazy about it.
Eduardo Cruz
8 years 11 months ago
You are right!
Didn't care for it much myself, just wrote it and decide to post it as is. I will return to it and make some changes that will make it sound like poetry.
Eddie C.
Thanks for the visit feel better!
judyanne
8 years 11 months ago
love the concept Eddie
I hope you do work on this to give it a more poetic leaning
lol - this is one I'd love to play with
I look forward to what you do with it
love judy
xxx
raj
8 years 11 months ago
Eddie
I liked the theme as well as the message...
Regards,
Eduardo Cruz
8 years 11 months ago
raj,
Thank you, it is appreciated!
Eddie C.