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Aug 01, 2016
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Mother Nature
Mother Nature, two simple words
That encompasses so much of our lives
It surrounds and boggles our minds
Overwhelms the senses, WOW! It cries.
We’re born into a world of beauty
Males and females bonding together
A force that has evolved throughout time
Like sunny days or stormy weather.
We’ve been put on this earth to multiply
Try to make it better any way that we can
If we can dream it, we can make it
That is the mantra of the modern man.
We share the earth with all kinds of things
Flowers and trees to make it more beautiful
The sun and the sky as a mural behind
All colors and shapes make a hefty eyeful.
There are many classes in the animal kingdom
Some are grown to feed the population as such
Others are near the top of the food chain and
Some to provide companionship and touch.
Birds to fly on the wing or fish in the sea
Provide food for the table or are just for show
Swimming around as if they own the place
Used for aquariums when we can’t get below.
Plants are grown to use for consumption
We grow it ourselves or go to the market
Farmers provide the veggies and fruit
To keep us healthy, that’s the target.
So far it seems that the balance works
Our Mother has left us in pretty good shape
It’s ours now to take it one step beyond
Not just to stand around and only gape.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
lovedly
9 years 2 months ago
simply magnificent beautiful poetry
your name drew me
as a younger lady's
you are a granny at 80
started poetry lately
where have you been
wasted
78 years
so it seems
we all will learn from you
a real Neopoet
will be found in you
May I be permitted
to welcome you
on behalf of Neo
Race_9togo
9 years 2 months ago
Hello,
And a belated welcome to Neopoet.
I like this poem of yours, but I think that it needs some work. Particularly, it is to "wordy". To prosaic, as my friend Weirdelf (Hi Jess) might say.
This is a common problem, one that I often suffer myself when writing poetry. Too many words can often make a poem choppy when read, and also often removes the certain quality of timelessness that good poetry invokes in readers.
Rather than explain further, I'm going to take the liberty of editing your first verse, so that you can see what I mean. Here is your original:
Mother Nature, two simple words
That encompasses so much of our lives
It surrounds and boggles our minds
Overwhelms the senses, WOW! It cries.
And here's my edit. Please bear in mind that this is my own personal opinion; I expect that when you edit, you will come up with something different.
Mother Nature; simple words
encompassing so much of our lives.
It surrounds our boggled minds
and overwhelms our senses; WOW! it cries.
You'll notice that all I really did was to remove a couple of unneeded words, added a word here and there, and rearranged a few others, all without changing your meaning to any great extent. See if you think the changes make the cadence and flow of the verse better.
I do like your rhyming very much. It's a thing I find quite difficult, so its nice to see someone putting rhymes together well. Also, I like the theme - although it is a bit overdone, you've done a good job with it.
Now, of course, I expect to see your edited version!
And your next poem - keep them coming, please, because your first one is pretty good.
I hope this helps, and again, welcome to Neopoet.