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Oct 19, 2016
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Masculinity
The feeling of powerlessness
turns good men cruel
over compensating cowardice
with physical strength,
they never had
beware of those similar
or is saying so too linear
for those with love that turned foul?
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Made an edit based on a good suggestion. Thank you for the help......
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Esker
8 years 8 months ago
coach Drays!
great poem
I took the course
had too Judge ordered
But Fear is Anger
strip the blinding anger
and its just fear..
Loss of control...powerlessness
disrespect...ad infintuminium
yadda
I like how your wove the
Love...beneath all the
potential of the strength issue
that anger gives people...
adrenalin...blood pressure
the chemicals in the brain
to click onto survival mode
Cave Man A la Mode..
fist through drywall or worse
broken this...broken that..
(bones..doors...windows..)
no care...
no empathy...
some are all one entire
precept of character
others have both
and the best are those
with the majority in
stablity and goodness
because so many are
unstable..and it
shows..
excellent Poem!
Mr Wolf!
jzarmel
8 years 8 months ago
Thank you for your time and
Thank you for your time and comments.
jzarmel
8 years 8 months ago
I'm sure that I won't receive
I'm sure that I won't receive too many comments on this poem because I'm one of the few men that will step up and speak on his masculinity. My poetry consists of the willingness to be open with oneself......
Candlewitch
8 years 8 months ago
hello,
and nice to meet you! you asked for the raw truth, so that is what I am going to give you. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. the first two lines are good... but: I don't see the sense of these two lines:
with physical strength, and yule
tithings to share
imho, the poem goes down hill from there. it just sort of meanders on without really developing the rest of the poem. you have a good beginning. so, I would put some work into editing and rewrite in places. good luck :)
always, Cat
jzarmel
8 years 8 months ago
Thank you and I really
Thank you and I really respect your time and comment. What would you say exactly would need to be edited?
Candlewitch
8 years 8 months ago
some suggestions:
The feeling of powerlessness
turns good men bad
over compensating cowardice
with physical strength they've never had
beware of those similar
or is saying so too linear
for those with love turned foul
this is just a suggestion and my humble opinion.
always, Cat
jzarmel
8 years 8 months ago
Good suggestion.
Good suggestion.
Candlewitch
8 years 8 months ago
:)
glad to have helped! :)
always, Cat