Only A Memory

Devoid of your touch,
the night has turned so cold.
Loneliness has stretched
the seconds in my life
to an eternity
which threatens my sanity.

Sometimes, I thought
I saw your face
and reached out to feel
your skin again
but the illusion fades away
and my tormented soul
screamed in anguish.

So many words left unsaid.
My heart sank in bitter regret.
If only I could live with you
by my side once more,
I'll beg you to forgive this fool
and I'll strive to mend my ways

But alas, it's too late
for you have gone
and all I have
is a memory
which haunts my mind
wherever I go.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

Rula

8 years 4 months ago

I would

do some culling /trimming here and there, other than that I like it and the sentiments there.
Be well brother

alidzain

8 years 4 months ago

Salam Rula

Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment. Mayhaps you can show me how to trim it. I wanted to do it but not sure how to go about it without changing the message.

Alid

Rula

8 years 4 months ago

Devoid of your touch,

Devoid of your touch,
the night has turned so cold
(and) loneliness has stretched
the seconds in my life
to an eternity
which threatens my sanity.

Sometimes, I thought
I saw your face
and reached out to feel
your skin again
but the illusion fades away
and my tormented soul
screamed in anguish.

So many words left unsaid.
My heart, (it) sank in bitter regret.
If only I have another chance
to turn back the hands of time,
I'll beg (for) you to forgive this fool
and I'll strive to mend my ways

(But)Alas, it's too late
for you have gone
and all I have
is a memory
which haunts my mind
wherever I go.

I'd drop the words and add the (but) in that last stanzabetween the brackets, just my thoughts

alidzain

8 years 4 months ago

Done the edits, Rula

Shukran.

Alid

scribbler

8 years 4 months ago

hi Alid

the emotions come through clearly but in my opinion a few of the phrases are worn out.Like "turn back the hands of time"......say it in another way such as reverse the flow of time.....just an idea......stan

alidzain

8 years 4 months ago

Stan

I tried to do some edits but not sure if it works. Need your opinion.

Alid