blended

So many years have went by
Sense I look in my sister’s eye
I’ve not seen her in 6 years!
My anger is blended in love and lies
Giving life to the emptiness that time can’t hide
The emptiness is my substance of pride
A chosen decision protecting my soul
Because 6 years I’ve cried

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Detroit Mi

Favorite Poets: my poets are john Coltrane and Sarah Vaughan OK they are not poets but their music is reason that I write . I want my poetry to flow like their music

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Trouble

8 years 3 months ago

hey mark I see your point

hey mark I see your point with the synonyms I wont blame it on spellcheck . but when the flow is flowing [ writing a poem ] I must say ! yes sometimes I miss the correct grammar . But thanks 4 UR comment

Trouble

8 years 3 months ago

Snowbells I will always

Snowbells I will always consider your advice . and your rewrite flows so much better but as a child learns to ride a bike I must find my flow . I appreciate your training wheels

Keith Logan

8 years 3 months ago

Hello Trouble

(love that name),
My first thought is to try not to use the same expressions within a few lines. It is worth adjusting the start, something like this:
There's so much time has passed by
since I looked in my sister's eye,
I've not seen her in six years!
My anger blends love and lies
I won't finish this as it wants to continue to be your work but try to keep the rhythm the same throughout.

Trouble

8 years 3 months ago

Ok Keith I'm going to think

Ok Keith I'm going to think about what you said and thanks 4 the love

lovedly

8 years 3 months ago

this is a workshop poetry site

So many years have (went) gone by
Sense(since) I look(ed) in(to) my sister’s eye

good poets have already corrected above
shed narcissism/ego
I had and still have/(suffer from)
''EGO Cancer''
incurable 'tis lady

you may like to pay heed
before jess this does read
hope you know
jess who!

Esker

8 years 3 months ago

gesso like impassto

clear as a bell this write....
my fam dont talk
my ma was drama leader
circus orator
all that shut down when she
passed with cancer
we tried to meet
talk...but...
not to be
great rhyme!

very real

thank U Trouble!

mr W