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Apr 10, 2017
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Fervent Prayer Under The Dusk-Bathed Sky
They say dusk is seperation
and the hour before darkness.
I dare insist
it is a fleeting moment
of meeting.
When the sky is dyed with hues of red,
the ocean soaked in blood,
the water ebbs
and when the river becomes one
with the sea -
That is its transient beauty
and its very essence.
Like a bird on a swaying branch
And bathed in twilight haze,
I sing a melancholy song;
from my eyes
twin streams fall.
I pray
when the wind howls
it will bring to me
your warm caress.
May the wailing wind,
the setting sun,
birds and trees,
and the flowing time
carry my heart
across the sky.
I pine for you in a whisper.
Would you spread your wings
and perch here by my side?
It may be an ephemeral reunion,
but it could quench
the thirst of many a summer.
When the dawn breaks
and should you traverse home,
I would gladly comply
and watch you soar up the sky.
I would await for your sojourn
at dusk
as a proof of my devotion
I would stand right here
under the blood-stained sky,
patiently, yet longingly
waiting for you.
And if perchance, may it be forever
that we soar above
with hands entwined,
never seperating.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Another busy day in the real world. waiting for the weekend to have time to linger here a bit longer. Add: Thank you everyone for the suggestions! I really appreciate it! Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging words and for the constructive criticisms, too! I now see the improvement after following your tips. Thank you. I hope I am very active in here, but real life is so busy and inspiration is a slippery fish that is too hard to catch at times.
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
The Rain Sprite
8 years 2 months ago
Like the idea!
I love it. It sounds smooth and suits the "rhythm" that I'd like whenever it is read aloud. I will use yoir suggestion. Thanks a bunch!
swamp-witch
8 years 2 months ago
Hey Sprite,
I like Mark's suggestion.
I agree that this is a lovely poem and would only be made more lovely if you decide to run with Mark's suggestion. If not, that's totally okay too.
If I could make a small suggestion, I'm not sure if "of hundred a summer" was a typo or not. Do you mean "hundreds of summers" or do you mean like "many a summer"?
Good work. I really enjoyed the long title. That's quite different for me because I'm used to very short ones! The playfulness and gentleness of the words and the love really speak to me. I am a hopeless romantic after all, it seems.
Take care,
Kelsey
The Rain Sprite
8 years 2 months ago
Defintely a typo
Yup. It was a typo. Hmm initially it was "hundreds of summers", but your sugestion "many a summer" sounds perfect! Thanks for that!
The long title is also something I don't normally use, but for this particular poem, I have this stubborn thought of sticking to that long title. My another option was "A Fervent Prayer".
Keith Logan
8 years 2 months ago
Good poem overall
but I wonder if it might be stronger if it ended with the line
your warm caress.
The Rain Sprite
8 years 2 months ago
Inconsistency
Hmm after reading your feedback, it did feel so. The nexf lines after that seem to be not disconmected or unrelated, but the flow and mood are not the same! I guess I broke the flow right after that line! I need to work on my consistency! Thank you.
Esker
8 years 2 months ago
I like of hundred a summer
i LIKE u as a poet.....you have contributed more
so your a writer..
U have it...the writers gift
Im all intuition
u put it here....
solid short and sweet
but U know this
cause Ur a true poet
and I love u
AS thus
your original and
daring in a world
of hot wind
and air bags
U GO..me follow
I like you much
...
The Rain Sprite
8 years 2 months ago
Many thanks
Your words
fall like rain
in a barren land.
It cultivates the soil
for seeds to sprout.
By the passing of time
such land
will be filled
with life.
The Rain Sprite
8 years 2 months ago
Fond of imagery
Thank you.
I'm quite fond of imagery, but my biggest struggle is choosing the right words as to not break the flow of my poem. I focus on maintaining the flow and at the same time, harmonize other elements too. My writing has grown through this awesome site. There are still so many things to learn and to work on. Thank you!
Esker
8 years 2 months ago
changes...
'an ocean soaked in blood'
an is softer in my read of it
I just say that because i was using
The a lot
intro heading I know
but then I tried dropping the The's
I see im slipping into the use of
them again....
but again..over all a super read
I do not do live readings cause I suck
at it in delivery...
its like this....If You can dance
which I like too but not good at it
its the same with that choreography
of reading...
but this one sounds super sweet
reminds me of the west coast
Ive been trying something new
sitting down and taking breaks to
watch a sky view...
the chill moments
this was an excellent moment
reading this again
Thank U!
w
The Rain Sprite
8 years ago
The sturggle with the articles
I feel you...
A/An or the
Which one to choose?
My pen stops in the air
While contimplating
Which of the article I should use.
Speaking of reading,
When I write a poem
I imagine myself reading it
And the mood it should evoke
When read aloud.
But I, too, am not good
ANd if I were to read
Before the crowd,
Nervousness would swallow me whole.
Dancing is a beautiful art,
But I am not blessed
To be given a pair of golden feet
And willow-like hips
That sways in the breeze.
Definitely an imagery of the sea
And of a solitary figure
Under the dusk.
Thank you ^_^
The Rain Sprite
8 years ago
Beautiful picture
When I saw it, I was beyond amazed. The picture emitted the beauty of dusk with a hint of longing - very befitting the theme of the poem. I thank everyone for their wonderful creation. Thank you
Keith Logan
8 years 1 month ago
Another thought
Hi, I was in the area again and this time noticed howls and howling in consecutive verses. Maybe consider wailing? A little consonance never hurts.
The Rain Sprite
8 years ago
Redundancy
Indeed. Redundancy should be avoided as a rule. Thank you for pointing that out and for the suggestion too ^_^