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weirdelf
weirdelf
Jul 14, 2017 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

I hate kids

and tried to piss them off
by talking as to adults.
taught bad words and Che and Gough
With surprisingly quite fond results

I hate kids and their commotions
and dumped on them quite adult notions.
The little buggers thought me cool,
(collectively there's not one fool)
their answers set new thoughts in motion,
'twas me that ended back at school.

(I refer of course to nephs and nieces
who I love to little pieces
they are unusually smart
and cute enough to bless a fart)

All grown now, with kids there own,
their bright intelligence has grown
and those tiny little next of kin,
Don't need my intellectual sin
their mums and dads made sure they've flown.

(here is a pic of one of eight,
Caitlin a playwrite and doctor too
with her rugrat Rohan, whose presence reminds me anew,
that uncles avoid the smell of poo)

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

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Comments

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

8 years ago

As W C Fields said

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Yes, it is strange how our own families are so much better than everyone else's.

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

8 years ago

cute and cleaver

but still should be attentive to punctuation. Also, personally I'm not in favor of ending a ending a poem with a comma, I'd prefer "...." The comma makes makes me expect more, (...)

But the substance and rhyme scheme is so playful. Still not sure why you hate kids...In an adult world, I think we all have a love/hate thing with them at times, they are such a pain in the ass quite often. But they can be quite perceptive, that's for sure. In the end,
"why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way, what's the matter with kids today?" (from Bye Bye Birdie)
I think you have just scratched the surface what could be a very funny and real poem about your relationship with kids...as for this poem. give us more!!

weirdelf

weirdelf

8 years ago

I added some punctuation,

Strangely for someone otherwise so well versed in grammar and prosody I'm often unsure about punctuation, especially semicolons.

I don't really hate kids, that was a dramatic counterpoint to the poem. I do often find them nuisance-some and boring.

I'll think about more, thanks, mate.

Rula

Rula

8 years ago

You said it all

in few words jess. I like that you've rhymed all through. It's been found that talking to them as adults turns them
in the end to grow up talkjng as adults. It's all for their benefits.
As for the title I thought "hate" is a strong word especially when we are talking about children. Yes, this could be something personal, maybe "don't like" is more acceptable. That's only my opinion as you know.
Thanks for sharing thjs provoking thought.

weirdelf

weirdelf

8 years ago

I hate to have to explain

It means my poetry has failed.
Regard it as a short monologue, a drama if you will.
I used the word hate to dramatise the mutual effect we have had on each. Of course I don't hate children, yes they can be annoying and boring. I adore my nieces and nephews. I have taught them and respected them by always treating them as adults. And they have taught me.
You see?

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 7 months ago

Hi Jess the Weirdelf,

Hi Jess the Weirdelf,
I can hear your grumpy voice
and see a smart smirk.
It is funny how kids use the word hate.
Perhaps they even mean it at the very moment they speak but not a minute later. It is when they grow up they stick to the feeling longer.
Yes talking to them as to adults is a good trick.

weirdelf

weirdelf

7 years 7 months ago

Ta, Iriz,

these new comments on the poem spurred me on to a full re-write.
It's still lumpy as buggery but somehow I feel the form fits the matter.

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 7 months ago

I agree. It is.

I agree. It is.
It is great to discover a new version.
Cheers.

Sparrow

Sparrow

7 years 7 months ago

Dear Jess

What a lot of twists you have in this piece,
Hating children that's never on your radar.
I bet anyone that you are a big softy where the children are concerned.
If you are not good I will send some of mine to play at your pad for a week or so, (Smiling at the thought)
If you are really bad I will ask Sadie to come and stand in front of you..
I think this write needs a little tender care, it is a bit messy.
Take care Bru and know we walk even closer to you today, now you is past 60..
Yours Ian..xx

Sparrow

Sparrow

7 years 7 months ago

Dear Jess

The rewrite has enhanced this piece and sent it to another level..
Great to read your works young in. Take care and know that we are so near, Yours, Ian..

weirdelf

weirdelf

7 years 7 months ago

Morbid old bastard you are.

I'm a fucking elf! I've got a millennia or so left in me. Though I might have to go home to a place without Turnbulls or Trumps, a world of 72 hour days and lower gravity. There I am a functioning member of an anarcho-syndicalist, consensuality based elven society. Here I am an insomniac depressive who cries with homesickness when visiting observatories.


My planet is called 'Cracked' written "tÌ j2#P yiE w7zN5$ wÌ nÍyN3ej& tx#zG", loosely translated as "Our land broken by youthful magic". Um, I was just trying to see if the moon really fit in the ocean... That was when I felt it expedient to leave.

swamp-witch

swamp-witch

7 years 7 months ago

Jess,

love the way the opening line is a continuation of the title and the punctuation added at Emolpus' suggestions and the mix of prose/sentences and limerick to expand the form into something unique.

If I could critique anything, it would be that the rhyme on the fifth line of the limerick feels a little forced. It makes perfect sense, but something about it is off. I have been learning about the concept of linguistic chunks, formulaic expressions that people usually learn as a whole. So now I have a term for why things just sound "off" sometimes. It's because I expect whatever linguistic chunk is most common for some of the words in a phrase, but the remainder of the phrase has been altered. Sometimes it's refreshing, sometimes not. In the poem, there isn't exactly a particular chunk being disrupted, but something close. I expect something more like giving "my thoughts new reign" or "freedom". Those do express the same as you have in the poem, but there isn't really anything else you could use that would fit the rhyme. So me mentioning it doesn't really do much good, but I wanted to share that I finally have the answer to why things sometimes sound "off".

If I were to really nitpick, "collectively they're not a fool" also feels weird because of the conflict between the plural they and singular fool. Would "not one of them's/ them is a fool" work with the meter? Or does that alter the meaning too much? I feel like "collectively" suggests that individually they are just regular kids, but together they matched your wit.

Happy to see others commenting so I can get the chance to catch up on your work more easily.

Kelsey