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Starry_Nights
Starry_Nights
Feb 13, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Lover's Eyes

I lose myself looking into those eyes
The brightness looks to me
like embers of a burning fire
I hear from your lips no lies
I know this love is no satire

Forever looking in the eyes
The burning wells of my heart’s desire
This feeling never dies
My love will never tire

Its 2 o’clock
Still your eyes hold a passion
When we meet on the dock

When will you be back? You say
Every time you wish, I pray

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

More from this author

Comments

lou

lou

14 years 5 months ago

hI

Nice job, but i would say the in stanza one ,line two maybe you could say 'your eyes burn like embers of a fire ', and don't mention brown, since fires are orange/red.

A romantic poem, good for today.

lou

loved

loved

14 years 5 months ago

If I had a choice,,,....*

When will you be back? You say
Every time you wish, I pray

,,,...* I'd never go away
but for ever
in ur eyes
I'd rather stay...

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

14 years 4 months ago

Starry,

This is very good.

one thing....

"Forever looking in the eyes"...."the" should be "your"; it is about her, is it not?

heehee.

The ending 2 lines...absolutely wonderful!

This is very good stuff.

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 4 months ago

I love the line

I know this love is no satire
because, in a postmodern kind of way, it raises the possibility that it is satire. Does that explain the flagrant use of cliches?-
I lose myself looking into those eyes

The brightness looks to me
like embers of a burning fire

The burning wells of my heart’s desire

This feeling never dies
My love will never tire

Is there an edge of satire here? Or are the cliches un-intentional and really need to be addressed?