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Jan 16, 2018
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I miss you brother!
Now the man who shares my DNA
Suddenly had to fly away
And the greatest brother of them all
Couldn’t pick up one missed call.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
7 years 6 months ago
I wish...
that you had given some sort of explanation as to why your brother has left and why he couldn't/wouldn't pick up/ return your last call. Nice theme, but needs some expansion. ~ Geezer.
BettyBuff
7 years 6 months ago
Hi Scooby
What do you miss about your brother? Sounds like unfinished business...things not said etc., Loss is a good theme to mine...If you read my works, you'll see I dig through to the mother-load on that one!
Use word choices-lexis- to underpin your ideas....'DNA', genes, blueprint,family trait
'fly-away', spirit, flight, abandon, rush
An so on...you have a curious skeleton of an idea...drape it with language.
Regards,
Ellie