IRiz

Jan 17, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Made up Memory

Snowy courtyard. In the cold,
willows draw leafless lines.
Ice performs a windy dance.
In the window, a winter rose
stands against the frosted glass.

I am cooking, stirring hard
a summer memories preserve.
Shrunken berries swirl and float,
syrup splashing on the floor.
It smells like pine sap.

Memory droplets of amber
with insects suspended within,
faceted eyes and delicate wings.
It will be a necklace to wear
on my naked skin.

It will be a world to remember
that came from between the lines
of voluminous novels that only
could be read in chaise-longue
half asleep
through the afternoon heat
till the evening
with singing along,
endless tea talks, long walks,
long braids undone
on a tall river bank,
long kisses, giggles and laughs.

My memory sounds
like splashes of fish,
a rain on the roof,
a wind in the leaves.
It sounds like nothing
when lightening strikes
far away from its thunder.

Here we go. I’ve made it.
It taste like young crispy
and sour apples.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

Comments

Sparrow

7 years 5 months ago

Irene

A lovely piece, and a story of your ways, if only in imaginations drift.
Just one line that tripped me ups..
"could be read in chaise-longue"
Have a look at the description of "chaise-longue"
Not sure that you can be in one, maybe on one, being fed peeled grapes as they did in the Roman times but lets not visualise too much it will make my memories shatter, lol..
Take care and keep writing,
Yours as always Ian.x
Take care

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Hi Ian,

Hi Ian,
To sit in chaise-longue or on chaise-longue are both used in published books, one might argue that to read in chaise-longue follows the same rule.
I wonder can you also sit IN the deep chair as well, although for the chair I would probably prefer ON.

Sparrow

7 years 5 months ago

Irene

I shall feed you skinned grapes and proffer a glass of wine as you Lounge in/on your chaise-longue lol
"It will by a world to remember" now can I get this right tat the by should be "BE" in this line I am not leaving till I have corrected something,
Love to you young Lady, Yours Ian..x

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Thank you, very much. I have

Thank you, very much. I have corrected the typo

chevyvent

7 years 5 months ago

Great work

Naturally I work on my life as well making sure that I reach beyond my own humanity into my creators process and his thoughts to reach toward those he would have Me reach for specifically, and in so doing seek to bless anyone and anything in his creation. I see you doing the same with such words. Thank you again for sharing so much of yourself. A well chosen yet simple worded piece with great impact, love and inspiration.

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Dear Mario Vitale,

Dear Mario Vitale,
I am glad you recognized my thought and found common ground in our creative processes.
It is the best reward for me to know that my poem has reached your heart.

raj

7 years 5 months ago

Two things struck me in this

Two things struck me in this poem

1. Your willful effort to slip out of your comfort/preferred zone of free form into structured form until of course you perhaps involuntarily scripted a few verses in free form
2. You imagination / vision always connects with forms of nature

Good read...keep posting...

regards,

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind cooperation, dear RAJ.
Free form doesn't mean lack of rhythm. And yes it is my preferred way of writing.
Here the rhythm helps the reader to speed up with me into the world of my imagination. While I start in more calm contemplating meter.
The free use of rhyme, alliterations and rhythm constitute the free form.
Interesting book on the subject is published by Mary Oliver. It is called Poetry Handbook if you are interested.

raj

7 years 5 months ago

Let me clarify IRiz that i do

Let me clarify IRiz that i do not have any apprehensions in the use of free form. In fact I like it. To me it is like the free flight of birds which is so very pretty. I give this example because imagination is like a flight of a bird which perhaps is why it is said "let your imagination fly"...i made that comment because i believe free form is your preferred form...

Regards,

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Yes it is my preferred form.

Yes it is my preferred form. With this said I am still forming in my head and heart what it is.
I do not think that there is a clear definition of it.
What makes a free form poem a poem but not a prose?
Where is the secret rule or the recipe how to make one?
It has been a little over a hundred years since it was born by Walt Whitman. But it was never his goal to make rules. He was just like a bird you mentioned.

Geezer

7 years 5 months ago

Love the scene...

I was looking over your shoulder while you were cooking up your summer recipe. Made me feel like I was there collecting the ingredients along side you. Nice rhythm and good story. Only crit. is I think you have a typo in the line [ It will [by], a world to remember ]. Shouldn't it be [be] a world to remember]? Great work! ~ Geezer.
.

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Thank you so much for a

Thank you so much for a friendly ear.
I feel we cooked together. Hahaha.
The typo is corrected, thank you.

Chiori

7 years 5 months ago

it's a lovely poem well

it's a lovely poem well constructed

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

I like your poems, you are a

I like your poems, you are a wild force. You do not need critique just write on. One trick to share, when you select a word think about what context it brings in the poem.
In your last poem you used breeze, where I would select wind. Because its intense and scary content is diluted by the calming connotation of the word breeze, wheras wind
sounds more neutral.

fink555

7 years 5 months ago

Those are two fascinating lines

"Memory droplets of amber
with insects suspended within"

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Thank you for visiting,

Thank you for visiting, reading and finding my lines interesting.

scribbler

7 years 5 months ago

"summer memories preserve"...

"summer memories preserve"... now this is excellent use of simple phrasing which carries multiple meanings easily deciphered by even a dolt like me. Now there's that line about a pine sap. I think I'd say either pine sap or a pine's sap. I enjoyed being reminded in mid Feb of the tastes preserved of warmer months......stan

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Thank you so much for reading

Thank you so much for reading and correcting me.

fink555

7 years 5 months ago

That is absolutely

as good a line as I've read this year. Like Philip Larkin, usually miserable as a matter of course: "If I were called in
To construct a religion
I should make use of water.

Going to church
Would entail a fording
To dry, different clothes;

My liturgy would employ
Images of sousing,
A furious devout drench,

And I should raise in the east
A glass of water
Where any—angled light
Would congregate endlessly.

IRiz

7 years 5 months ago

Good poem I agree

Good poem
I agree

weirdelf

7 years 2 months ago

By crikey, not much left to say

so I'll just do a reading. Hope I do it justice.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s1rGpUAjOKIA

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

There is a little hick up in

There is a little hick up in the flow.
And why are you surprised?
A preserve supposed to be sweet and a little viscous so I mentioned all these long things.
But long braids undone and laughter in the light transparent summer night is a special image.
It travels between us through books.