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O
OriginalRhyku
Mar 08, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Ode To The Cellphone [March contest]

(Read More...)

Ode To The Cellphone [March contest]

The cell phone that refers not
To a captive phone in a cell rather
A must have for the mobile lot
Constant companion for their blather.

What really puts many in a fright
That the towers of babble shut down
Taking away the essential birthright
Leaving the victims in a meltdown.

So, conversing when running
Communicating while driving
Speaking and showering
Calling during a meeting.

Addicted to calling culture
Endless appetite for the app
A creature of every feature
You are wired all over the map.

If that’s not enough claptrap
There's no need to get into a flap
Every type of geek and sap
Will find content in the mobile trap.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Asia India

Favorite Poets: Rabindranath Tagore, Shakespeare among many more

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

7 years 3 months ago

I can sense a good build up

I can sense a good build up in your Ode but feels like it's work in progress with more to be added yet..of course that's my opinion...wait for what others have to say...lots of time for you to work more on this if you feel it's necessary...

Best of luck for the contest..
........................................................

Geezer

Geezer

7 years 3 months ago

Yes...

it needs more. I like what you have, but it needs more. ~ Geezer.
.

Geezer

Geezer

7 years 3 months ago

Yes...

it needs more. I like what you have, but more!
~ Geezer.
.

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 3 months ago

I like this

Good start and rhyme but agree it needs more

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

7 years 3 months ago

my take

I think you have 2 separate poems going on here. I prefer the second, using reference to Babel, but need to know why it's an "essential birthright." True a serious meltdown would happen should the system break down, a good lead idea.

The first stanza looses me because i know its a "cellular phone", cell phone is just slang which became common language, but does not work for me in that idea of being in a jail cell...
I do love the word blather, haven't seen that one for many a year!

....

O

OriginalRhyku

7 years 2 months ago

Val

good to hear from you after some time and appreciate your frank but politely phrased feedback. my Rhykus can be rather like blather sometimes to some persons. that is the great thing about art - one person's art is another person's tar. I sincerely appreciate negative feedback because it keep things in perspective. thanks