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Creating a Smile
Untie the tangled tired nerves
let loose in feather, and deeply sleep
as no night patterns are left in caves,
the morning's eyes shall wake and sweep.
Enhale the silence of the dawn
where breeze and birds put down the frown
then share a charity, do not postpone,
let nothing but death put you down
Unlace your spirit, give God a praise
fill up your cup with morning's grace
then race the passion, the golden rays,
I trace a smile now on your face.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I really need answers for the ticked review request. Thank you.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
chevyvent
7 years 2 months ago
Very nicely done poem piece just some thoughts
Analysis of poetry can be difficult, but there are a few important guidelines to keep in mind. First, identify the speaker and the situation of the poem. The speaker is not always the poet, and knowing if the speaker is a grieving son, a joyful nature lover, a murderous husband, or a thankful lover is helpful in determining the major ideas of the poem. Next consider the basic situation. What is being described or narrated? Now,identify...Untie the tangled tired nerves
let loose in feather, and deeply sleep", really engaging thoughts you have embellished here.
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Hello Mario
Great to have you on my page. I didn't think much about the speaker in fact as the ultimate goal was creating the smile.
I didn't get your next thought but welcome any suggestions for improving.
Highly appreciate your kind visit.
raj
7 years 2 months ago
This poem tells me that Rula
This poem tells me that Rula is truly back.l Though I cannot comment on the meter....you know how bad I am with it ...i guess this is a sonnet and a good one...I am sure writing this would have given you a lot to smile about ...i certainly did...
Warmly...
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Thank you raj
your words of praise mean a lot. It wasn't a sonnet though followed almost the same rhyming pattern.
So pleased to know you like it.
Thank you for your time and the visit dear friend.
raj
7 years 2 months ago
Eeeks
I got it wrong again thinking that it could be a sonnet.....never mind what form it is as long as it brings in a smile for the poet and reader...
...................................................
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Raj
I still remember your humorous sonnet that you wrote during the workshop. I still believe in you. You are talented enough to write a perfect one.
raj
7 years 2 months ago
Thanks Rula
for your kind words. I still consider my self an amateur and keep trying. I shall never forget the time and patience you and Judyanne had with me in walking me through the nuances and finer points of Sonnet and still feel bad that I did not live upto your expectations...any news about Judyanne.? I havent see her here for a pretty long time...may all be well with her...
Warmly...
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Not really
haven't heard from her or Wesley for ages. I wonder what happened to them. Hope to hear some good news about/from both of them.
raj
7 years 2 months ago
Perhaps Stan would know about
Perhaps Stan would know about Wesley and Jess about Judyanne (being from Australia)..I was about to ask you about Wesley since I know he is your Mentor...
Wishing them well..
.....................................................
Geezer
7 years 2 months ago
I thought...
it rather obvious that the speaker was the poet and liked the title.
The rhythm was rather good and followed through the whole of the poem and the nice surprise of the last quatrain in odd and even rather than just the two rhyming lines made it nice to my ear. I followed the logic all the way through. Very nice. ~ Geezer.
.
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Thank you dear Geezer
I really found my self as I was writing this one. It took some time but I thought it is worth it.
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts. Appreciate it indeed.
tyro
7 years 2 months ago
Hello, dear Rula, a very
Hello, dear Rula, a very nice write, I like your prescription for creating a smile. The only bump I ran into was understanding how the word 'nay' is used here. I think you use upfill for meter purposes, but I think up has a stronger stress than fill, so for meter fill up does not seem a problem.
The first line is a winner, but the beginning of the third quatrain really reverberates with me: "Unlace your spirit" now that is beautiful. What I like best of your poetry is when it reflects your inner goodness.
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Dear tyro
Thank you for the thoughts. I too wasn't sure about the use ' nay 'in that particular place, therefore changed to "no", hope it makes a better sense now.
Many thanks. Highly appreciate your passing by and the help
Eumolpus
7 years 2 months ago
Nice poem
A nice affirmation poem. I had no issue recognizing the “public stance” of the writer using an abstract you or I. I might only consider variation on commonly used images such as “golden rays.”
..
Eumolpus
7 years 2 months ago
Nice poem
A nice affirmation poem. I had no issue recognizing the “public stance” of the writer using an abstract you or I. I might only consider variation on commonly used images such as “golden rays.”
..
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Thank you Mark
I'll keep in mind your suggestion for the coming writings
Thank you for your time.
lovedly
7 years 2 months ago
all I know Rula about smile is ...having composed so many
smile
and the
whole wide world
smiles with you
W E E P
and you weep
A L O N E
You bring about
S M I L E S only
appreciates
L O V ED L Y
lovedly
7 years 2 months ago
dear poetess Rula temporarily posted here 23 hours restriction
Smile
a fact of life,
a guy exists only;
because girls do
they take his tension away
in many
more than one way
her smile
makes him feel invited,
her glances make
one feel attractive
and
whatever they do,
when you smack your lips,
his stands, awaiting your rescue.
That’s why all guys
to gals say, I love you.
she strokes her hair
and
indicates shall do
hope they will publish this one too
Mark Antony and Dearest Johnny
well
I seem
to have fallen short of smiley words
in this one hence an
added extension.....
Composed in 2011 read by only 1108 till today
great don't say NAY!!!
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Thanks for sharing
Lovedly.
gregwa8
7 years 2 months ago
I really like the rhythm of
I really like the rhythm of this poem. "Let nothing but death put you down." Very cool.
Rula
7 years 2 months ago
Thank you
Greg...Appreciate the visit indeed!