raj

Apr 29, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Blooming Buds [updated]

tipped glasses, eyes locked over rims
glasses and eyes filled to their brim
the crystals were bubbling with brew
her eyes tinged in passionate hue

she raised an eyebrow to inquire
"may I do, what you may require"
chuckling, I said, "have more beer
hope you aren't feeling tipsy dear"

"No" she said, with a smile on her lips
crossing our hands we had more sips
her eyes had shades of gentle desire
stoking up the flames, of a bonfire-

we laid down our glasses at least for the night
our shadows were dancing in soft candle light
in moments of bliss, we did realize
how buds do bloom before sunrise

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Geezer

7 years 2 months ago

As for mild erotica...

this fits the bill! But; there is some work to do with the rhythm and pattern.
I'm sure that you rushed through this, in your eagerness to post it. I think a lot of people do. I have done it on occasion. This is a good poem in the rough. Take the time to smooth the lines and get rid of the wrinkles. Don't be afraid to use a little punctuation! It's not the most difficult thing to do and it certainly can help. Here are some things to think about:

Be able to eliminate words that interrupt the flow, but not change the meaning of the sentence.
Example:
the glasses, her eyes, filled to the brim
Those in the crystal,a bubbly brew
sparkles in eyes, a passionate hue

She raised an eyebrow, as if to inquire
May I do something, you may require?
Not now, I reply; have some more beer
There is still time, please do not fear

I don't want to rewrite the whole thing for you.
Look at it and see what you can do. Don't be afraid to shorten or lengthen lines to make the flow.
Use a little punctuation to put a pause in the right place.
And never think that a line is so good, that you can't replace it.
If you must keep that brilliant line, that you can't do without... Use it in another poem!

Just suggestions, maybe they will help.
~ Geezer.
.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks Gee

for taking time to read and make concrete suggestions....I will look into them for sure...the fundamental problem with me is that since English is not my mother tongue i have a limited vocabulary and I am trying hard to get the lines in a meter...let's see how it goes..

Thanks again...

Geezer

7 years 2 months ago

I understand...

about English, not being your mother tongue and the limited vocabulary. I am sure that as you gain mastery of the language; the nuances of it will become clearer. English, [as are all languages,] is changing all the time. I do not think that I have encouraged you to leave out any details, just condense your sentences by leaving out words that interrupt the flow. I think that a good, old dictionary is a huge help in doing that. When you find a word you want to use is just a syllable too long or short, take the time to look it up and see alternate meanings. There may be another word that you can use. It may be that you aren't that concerned with a little blurb in the rhythm and that is OK. I prefer to make it as smooth a rhythm as possible, [it's less to detract from the story!]
Sometimes I see a poem like this, that has good potential and I can't help feeling that I should offer some advice. If I am being a bore, just let me know. I hope anything I've said may be a help to you. ~ Geezer.
.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Hi again Geezer

I truly appreciate your visiting this poem again and for your very constructive suggestions...

Many thanks and regards...

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

I am glad Gee has hit the nail on its head feel swollen raj!

''I knew
she knew
it was a moment
to kiss
......to awaken
passions
leading to the bliss
lovely start
I am a ROMANTIC POET
ere my birth
I could help the Western way
East produces.................
I am told
w/o out
sex

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Hi Lovedly

Thanks for the read and your comment
...........................................................

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Unlike Gee

maybe I misunderstood him? But, I like the details. And yes, there is an interruption of the flow here and there, but it doesn't hinder the reading I thought.
I enjoyed, I'll keep an eye on this one if you decide to do any edits dear raj.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks Rula

for taking time as always to visit my page and your constructive critique...

warmly..

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Geezer and Rula

Thanks to your constructive and encouraging comments I have done major edits and submitted this updated version. Hope this now flows smoother. Will look forward to your comment if you get time to visit this page again....

gratefully..

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

if I were to compose it excuse me I will remove it my apologies

Tipped glasses, lips locked over rims
glasses and eyes fixed to their brim
crystals were bubbling with brew
while her eyes with passionate hue

She raised an eyebrow to inquire
"May I do,
what you do really require too"
little later let's get undone with the beer
then night long we'll have only to cheer

Sadly "OK" she smiled, with a twitch in her eyes
firming in our lover's hands we had more sighs
pausing glancing slightly, only to see it did stand
inching closer to the awaited intermingled hand

simply holding glasses, so far frustrated the night
shadows dancing about now in warm candle light
mounting throbbings Ah made both realize
how smaller roses bloom inside, ere sunrise

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks Lovedly

for taking time to revisit and engage with the poem to draft an alternative.
......................................................................................................................

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

high raj

I don't know whether u'd liked it
but I shall remove it
once u signal it

raj

7 years 2 months ago

It's ok Lovedly

you may not delete it considering the effort you have put into it.....
....................................................................

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

great thanks

friend
raj _sublime
your not sub
but real like lime
sub reduces your worldly chime
shall let it be
you could post it as a joint effort
lovedly- cum- raj
perhaps need give it a new
TITLE
THANKS for the acknowledgement
grateful
friend raj

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

To be quite honest

I liked the first version better as it has a warmer feeling to it, maybe I am wrong though. You may ask yourself dear raj and see where have you found yourself more expressive?
Still can't say this isn't a good version.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks Rula

for coming back to read this modified version.......noted that you found the pre edit version better...
...................................................................

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Rula

I now have some inkling of what you mean ...i shall give it some thought and rework on this..till then consider this as work in progress...
........................................................................................

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

your version is softy erotica still you may edit it

were bubbling with brew
while her eyes with passionate hues....
you perhaps could remove the 's'
hue and brew
appear better ....no!

she raised an eyebrow to inquire
"may I do, what you may require?" this Qs mark is superfluous, as Internet accepts'' what'' as a Question--- hence Qs mark ....you may like to review raj

IN THE EVENT you sustain your softness
in all righteousness
I must remove my hotter version
unless you wish to post it as a combo
raj_loved

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks Lovedly

for your suggestions which are worthy of consideration..
.......................................................

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

please do

many would love us poets
two
greater one
r u