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IRiz
IRiz
Apr 29, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

UNFINISHED WORKS

(Read More...)

My song

Lingering beams of the last winter day
melt snowflakes on the way to my palm.
Clouds align in the mountain sky
Darkening waters reflect mother-of-pearl calm.

Following sheen of the serpentine rail,
climbing and rumbling for miles the train
cuts through the silence of highland terrain,
flooded by shimmering night.

Breathing and trembling in every dry stem,
throbbing in every awakening root,
screeching through me, the night makes
me sing the atonal, arrhythmical song.

Only the train can whistle with it
through happily grinning muzzle
gleaming at me from the distance
with three golden unblinking eyes.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Almost there, not quite yet. I am afraid to many phrases are awkward. I have done a few revisions, the poem feels way more complete. Please let me know how it reads.

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

More from this author

Comments

lovedly

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

when I want to compose like you do

I go out for a long walk alone
and sing

thank god no one listens
even scared
the birds fly away
and
I thought you were trekking

when did you compose it
in ur head
amazing for retaining
how was ur trekking
lonely.....

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Thank you for reading my poem

Thank you for reading my poem.
This one has a cadance based on Phillip Glass's music I was listening for the last few days.

lovedly

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

can you believe it

in the last hour
I have been composing and reading poetry
three wonderful gals
poets
have started following me
I compose silliler ones
says jess
should i confess
your a
classic poetess
softest

lovedly

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

my heart swells

when speaks aloud
a poetess
like Iriz

I haven't composed one
for a long time
for neo poets

T

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

Sorry, I can't help you

I do not see anything awkward in this poem. So it makes me wonder how you define awkward.

There were some points that made me think, for instance, "mother of pearl calm" does not bring an immediate image to mind, but I do get ideas when I think on it. In some poems this would be annoying, but here, those phrases which made me think, I welcomed as kin to the captivating beauty that surrounds them.
As i read more and more of your poems, I find you quite impressive.

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 2 months ago

Dear Tyro.

Dear Tyro.
This is one of the spots I need help with.
I ment that the water looks like it breathes out a calm colored in mother of pearl color. Does it make sense?
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I kept working on the poem after the first draft was submitted.
You can see there was more to work on in the initial write. I placed it into the Unfinished workshop.

R

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Hello IRiz

would "serpentine trail" be better in the line below

Following sheen of the serpintine rail,

i notice that there are a few spellos which I am sure you will cleanse during the edits
...............................................................

T

tyro

7 years 2 months ago

Hi IRiz

here is an idea, what do you think?

darkening waters give out a calm
in mother of pearl iridescence

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 1 month ago

thank you for a new word!

Thank you for a new word!
Something is incredibly proper
in the sound of this semitechnical term
to reflect me
I am a shimmering mix of fantasy and scientific terms,
my name hides in between its letters.
Irridesence is not a glow, gleaming or glistening.
It is a peculiar way to reflect light to give it a mother of pearl blur.
Butterflies know about this trick and experimenting artists who likes to turn his workshop into a chemical lab.
It plays on the surface of calm water and stylish sunglasses
on the streets of Georgetown.
It glints in the windows sometimes
thoroughly hiding their secrets behind.
Irridesence is the whimsical queen
of the world floating and whelming
itself.

T

tyro

7 years 1 month ago

OK, I know you are a poet,

OK, I know you are a poet, but an instant poem on a new word? I loved it!
I shall never again look at that word in the same light.

gregwa8

gregwa8

7 years 1 month ago

lots of beautiful imagery. (i

lots of beautiful imagery. (i love the image of a snowflake melting before it reaches your hand. the feeling of anticipation, the way nature or life will do what it does despite our desire or expectation. and still be beautiful.) the poem is multifaceted: visual, auditory, even tactile. is this a journey ON a train, or watching the train? makes me think of Murder on the Orient Express (which I saw recently), particularly the serpentine nature of the train. nice poem!

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 1 month ago

Thank you very much for

Thank you very much for reading it. I spent a bit of time revising so the flow reminds rhythmic sound of a moving train.
I like the movie, it is a bit artificial somewhat like my bucolic write, but the unexpected twist at the end is cool.