Rula

May 10, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

Military Memories...

(Read More...)

A Major's Memoirs ( Military Memories' contest )

With long-life fear blossoms stay fresh
of shirts once soaked in blood and flesh.
As lavish bombs would lash the ear,
blossoms stay fresh with long-life fear.

In search for peace, pellets blast the air
men fight fiends, women fight the scare,
but how could the stars stay in ease,
when pellets blast in search for peace!

The crimson moon hung 'cross the sky
then farewell soon with no goodbye,
to show again, it won't be soon,
It passed away -that crimson moon.

The heroes fall like pretty stars
with heavy wounds, unhealed scars,
with broken hearts that once were whole,
like pretty stars the heroes fall.

Some roads we tread though high the price,
all profits gone but for the mice,
we lived in shells and tears we shed,
so high the price for roads we tread.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Swap Quatrain The Swap Quatrain was created by Lorraine M. Kanter. Within the Swap Quatrain each stanza in the poem must be a quatrain (four lines) where the first line is reversed in the fourth line. In addition, line 2 must rhyme with line 1, and line 3 must rhyme with line 4 and so on, BUT not repeat the same rhyming pattern on subsequent stanzas. Rhyming pattern: AABB, CCDD, and so on.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Hi Rula

First I thought it is a sonnet but it is not since it runs into 5 quatrains instead of 4 quatrains + 1 two liner....anyway it runs as smooth as a sonnet...i notice the rhyme sequence as aabb, ccdd, eeff, gghhh, iijjj...may be conforming to some poetry form i am not aware of

In L1 S3 may be you wanted to use "hung" instead of "hanged" ,,,i don't think the change would make any difference in syllable count

the forced rest seems to have helped you to write this...

take good care on your road to full recovery..

warmly...

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

dear Raj

Thank you for the visit.
This is a form called 'the swap quatrain '
The number of quatrains is unlimited. All you need to have 8 syllables each line. The first and fourth lines are repeated but you make a swap between the first part and the second part of the first line, hence comes the name. Don't know if the form fits the theme.

As for hanged, it's the exact word as you see the moon is "crimson " took its color from the blood shed in the battle and then it's hanged itself across the sky and passed away.

The forced rest was just what I needed I guess. Ha!

Thank you dear raj

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Hi Rula

if you had not told me about this form involving swap i may not have noticed it....i read it again to see how this swap has been done....surely it is more demanding than sonnet and you are an ever green tryer ...

hmmmmmmmmmmmm so poets are also now involved in swapping :) of course of words

your explanation about hanged is absolutely right

take best care dear friend....

warmly...

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Rula

For benefit of readers like me who are not well versed with the nuances of specific poetry forms, i suggest you add information about this swap form in last few words...
.....................................................................................................................

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Done

as recommended raj
Thank you

raj

7 years 2 months ago

Thanks Rula

for adding information about this form of poetry in last few words. Readers would now be able to better appreciate your poem and the challenges involved. However you have not mentioned that a line can also be split and swapped as you had mentioned to me and as is done by you in your contest poem.
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Rula

7 years 2 months ago

dear raj

It says that the first line is reversed in the fourth line
Here is the definition and some example as you follow the link

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/swapquatrain.html

raj

7 years 2 months ago

are you saying that the line

are you saying that the line cannot be split into two?

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

You split

and reverse the two parts in the fourth line

raj

7 years 2 months ago

I Know

but is it allowed by the metrics of the form? just curious. not that I intend to have a go at it :)
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Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Why

not give it a go? :)
It's not a very strict form. All you need is to accept the challenge. Metrically there are no real restrictions.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

honestly

it is tougher than a sonnet and I am still in kinder garden learning to get a sonnet right...
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raj

7 years 2 months ago

honestly

it is tougher than a sonnet and I am still in kinder garden learning to get a sonnet right...
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lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

So very creative

the only thing I would shudder
to be treated by
bombs so '''lavish''
good for contest
you may like to so
MARK IT
Rula

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Already marked

(Military memories)
dear lovedly
Thanks for the visit.

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

sorry Rula

I didn't know
they had done away with Contests

now you can hang me
hopefully...

Geezer

7 years 2 months ago

I think...

Raj is right about the word [hanged] it should be hung!
~ Geezer.
.

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Please follow the link

A verb used without obj. No. 4
I really need help here

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/hanged

lovedly

7 years 2 months ago

no disputes grammatically but

''Hanged, as a past tense and a past participle of hang, is used in the sense of
“to put to death by hanging,” as in Frontier courts hanged many a prisoner after a summary trial. A majority of the Usage Panel objects to hung used in this sense.

but the ''moon''
may prefer to be hung

Rula now your poetic
version and final decision
to avoid multiple confusion

Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Thank you

I edited after many doing many readins. Seems the two words are v. close in their usage.

raj

7 years 2 months ago

suggestion

you may think about shortening the title of this good contest poem to " A Majpr's Memoirs"
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Rula

7 years 2 months ago

Yup!

I like it.
Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your valuable thoughts dear frind.

gregwa8

7 years 1 month ago

love what you've done with

love what you've done with the swap quatrain form! it's the first that i've heard of it. this would translate very well to being shared aloud. the repetition is beautiful.