KINGZOMBIE

Feb 18, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

"A Tree"

The seedling sprouts, it bursts through ground,
silently growing, never making a sound.
First is the stem, then comes the leaves,
now watch a seedling, growing amongst trees.
In its lush green meadow, a trickling stream,
its roots swarm to the water, its elixir, its dream.
Small animals calling its branches their home,
as it hears insects wings drone.
Still standing silent, never making a sound,
content in its world, content in the ground.
It listens to songbirds singing away,
then it turns winter and the songbirds don't stay.
Nude and alone, dealing with winters decay,
its branches are broken and at its roots they lay.
spring finally arrived and this tree wishes for rain,
but it found a thunderstorm, and now it knows pain.
The lightening struck, splitting its core,
then caught fire, it screamed, it pleaded no more.
After a while came some sort of man,
he wore a helmet, and had an chainsaw in hand.
He pulled at a string, and watched the saw come alive,
it ate at its trunk, it wouldn't survive.
It started to sway, while its trunk groaned,
it fell over then crashed, on its once quiet home.
It lays on its side and is cut into logs,
it now feeds the flame, and silently sobs.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"

Comments

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

I know I need work

I just hope you all give me a chance and are able to see the picture I'm painting under the rough.

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

tree

I enjoyed this sketch of a tree's biography. Welcome to the site. Just holler at any here if you need help........scribbler

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you

I thought it would be an interesting pov, something a bit different from the norm.

Psyve

14 years 4 months ago

KZ

Interesting poem.

I can see you were going for rhyme and a more classical form of meter, which is great from my own point of view because I am a lyricist myself... both rhyme and meter are very important to me.

The poem feels a little rough currently, but I see that you know that: If I had advice to offer, it might be to try to retain the present tense throughout... you moved into the past tense midway thru and it sort of tripped me up, in terms of the flow...

Anyway, good to see you here and welcome to Neopoet.

Psyve

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you

I have been toying with rhyme quite a bit lately.I also really appreciate your advice, thanks again.

Candlewitch

14 years 4 months ago

Hello Kingzombie!

It is so good to see you here! I have one suggestion with this line:

The seedling sprouts it bursts threw ground,

"threw" should be "through"

The pain of a tree is a very unique and interesting concept. I like what you have done with it.

always, Cat

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

Silly typo

thank you for catching it, I'm also glad that you found the concept interesting and enjoyed it.Thank you always Cat:-)

Arrow

14 years 4 months ago

Reminds me of the book The Giving Tree

I like the story and think it's told well.

My primary suggestions would be to:

1. Closely review your grammar. For example:

The seedling sprouts it bursts threw ground,
(You have two related independent clauses here so: The seedling sprouts; it bursts (through) ground,)
silently growing never making a sound.
(silently growing, never making a sound.)
First is the stem, then comes the leaves,
("Leaves" is plural so you need "come" not "comes". Also, here I might use parallel structure:
First comes the stem; then come the leaves.)
after a while the seedling becomes trees.
(A seedling, I think, becomes one tree, not multiple trees so:
after a while, the seedling becomes a tree or something like that)

2. Be sure to know the definitions and connotations of words. For example,
the word "sob" indicates noise, which makes the last line problematic.

I'll be interested to re-read this if you revise it.

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

Great suggestions

I found myself boxed in with the leaves and trees, I appreciate your help.I know what you mean about the last line but it conveys what I was going for best.However I am looking for a different way to put it.Thanks again.

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

Very helpful

Thank you Mean Bee

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you all

I am actually a past member here and thanks for the welcome, I appreciate all the suggestions and help with my errors, a big thanks to you all:-)