gregwa8

Jul 02, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Speculations of a Bored Delivery Driver

The delivery ticket
Said “please ring i“

And I made a mental note
To ring the buzzer
At the right apartment

But my brain didn’t stop there

I thought of how it could mean:

To get things in my life
That would revolve around myself
Like the rings on Saturn
Rely on me and make
My life more meaningful
And beautiful
And full

Or:

To call myself up
And have a conversation
Back and forth
With every kind of talk
From small
To deep
Get to know me,
Myself and I
Again and more

Or:

To marry myself
Since I definitely need
That commitment
That lifelong love,
Even if I am not always
My own type

By the time I made it
To the door
I was thinking
Of what it would mean

To “please ring b”
And “please ring c”

And I rang apartment Y

Because I was wondering,
Why,
For the love of God,
Do I do this to myself?

Perhaps because
A few puzzles
Will help get me
Where I'm going

In the car
Or when I don't have an order
To deliver

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Comments

weirdelf

7 years ago

Cool, dig it man.

Have you ever tried to write actual stream-of-consciousness? Bloody hard to do. For starters it is impossible, but don't let that put you off. The mind works in many more dimensions than the written word. Or does it? Is it? Who can say? Avvagoyamug!

For research you could try James Joyce's "Ulysses", see you in six months or so. [grins]

weirdelf

7 years ago

Had a sort of a go at it meself

https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/synchro-no9

gregwa8

7 years ago

stream of consciousness does

stream of consciousness does seem like a very hard thing to do. I'll have to try it sometime... brain flow. thanks, jess!
greg

Eumolpus

7 years ago

I really like the idea of this poem

Interesting stream of thought and irony. But I would definitely drop the last stanza, the same as the title. Just end it

And I rang apartment Y

Because I was wondering,
Why,
For the love of God,
Do I do this to myself?

That works!, playing with Y and "why".

I would also just cut both these:

But my brain didn’t stop there
I thought of how it could mean:

We know that, that's what the poem is about. Try reading the poem without it, I hope you will see what I mean. The fun of the poem is how you go where you go...and telling us the obvious does not add to that fun.

gregwa8

7 years ago

thanks for the suggestions,

thanks for the suggestions, Eumolpus. I agree, the ending line is unnecessary, since it's in the title. ended it a little bit differently. I definitely learn a lot in life from puzzles. thanks!
greg

gregwa8

7 years ago

thanks for the suggestions,

thanks for the suggestions, Eumolpus. I agree, the ending line is unnecessary, since it's in the title. ended it a little bit differently. I definitely learn a lot in life from puzzles. what do you think?
greg

fink555

7 years ago

This

is so direct that it almost hurts!

To marry myself
Since I definitely need
That commitment
That lifelong love,
Even if I am not always
My own type

the rebounding of the ego in this society. Good poem.