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Rula

Aug 28, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Oh Those Babies! (A Villanelle)

Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes
evoke inside me the loveliest thought;
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose. Esoteric feelings that nobody knows
but moms; a secret love as they first spot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. As soft skin scents naturally arose,
to speak of volumes that heroes got not
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose. No piece of poetry, not even prose
has told in words- nor even a snapshot
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Not only the toes, but also the nose
(inherited by forerunners, not taught),
they unfurl a heart like a budding rose. In my memory, pussiant are those
babies, despite their weakness, they have caught
me with ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes
and unfurl a heart like a budding rose.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I've seen the ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes five times in my life (My four sons and the alone princess. Thank God Thank you dear Blistered-pen (JRS). Your villanelle inspired this very first attempt. (I know that I said I wrote one but discovered later that I didn't. :)

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

R

6 years 10 months ago

nice one Rula

nice one Rula
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6 years 10 months ago

Thank you

dear raj. Appreciate your kind ((short)) comment.
((smiles))

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you

dear raj. Appreciate your kind ((short)) comment.
((smiles))

6 years 10 months ago

so nice Rula

now I also know, what is three lines poetry... as this repetition at proper places
keep counting
ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes.

but factually fingers are 8 only
anyway thumbs up Rula

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you

Lovedly!
8 fingers?

6 years 10 months ago

why the Qs mark?

two thumbs no!

6 years 10 months ago

Oh yes

Thank you!!

R

6 years 10 months ago

Rula

I notice that your Villanelle as also some others are having a soft feel...is it a norm that Villanelle should be soft?
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6 years 10 months ago

Hello raj

I haven't read many of them to tell the truth, but I think the form would work as well with any theme. Not to mention theheroic themes ones.

6 years 10 months ago

Hello Mark

Mmmmmm.. I don't like it either (the painting shot)
Do you think camera's shot would work better.
I am so limited with the rhyming words, but it's my problem.

R

6 years 10 months ago

one more suggestion

Snapshot?
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6 years 10 months ago

Yes, I like it raj

Thank you! I used it with much appreciation, however I am
still not happy with some areas where I feel the rhyme is forced , but as a first attempt and so limited rhymes I think this one isn't bad.
Thank you dear raj!

R

6 years 10 months ago

Not a big deal Rula

to make a suggestion....though rhyme is not my comfort zone can you say which of the word seems to you to be a forced rhyme?
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6 years 10 months ago

I'm

not happy with the 5th stanza. May be it's just me?

R

6 years 10 months ago

Hi Rula

if I come up with some alternative I will suggest....in fact i am tempted to have a go at Villanelle and wondering if every line has to be either of 8 or 10 syllables or a combination of 8 and 10 syllable lines still conforms to the form...i realize that it's pretty tough since there is also a need to maintain aba rhyme sequence through and through....
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6 years 10 months ago

either

8 or 10 through out.

R

6 years 10 months ago

Thanks for this input Rula

Thanks for this input Rula
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R

6 years 10 months ago

Rula

would this change work?

have a history that hasn't been taught,
follow history though not even taught, [or]
follow lineage that hasn't been taught [or]
inherited by offspring that isn't taught [or]
inherited by offspring never taught
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6 years 10 months ago

For the moment

Photo_shot works perfectly. But does it make sense as you read the stanza in full?

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you Mark.

I shall edit as suggested.
Much appreciate your help!

R

6 years 10 months ago

Rula

is the alternative a bit smoother?

but moms; a secret love as they first spot
for moms; a secret love, their maiden spot
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R

6 years 10 months ago

Hi again Rula

I believe the third line could be shortened for aesthetic appeal

they have unfurled a heart that's almost close.
they've unfurled a heart that's pretty close [or]
they unfurl a heart like a buddy rose [or]
they unfurl my heart like a buddy rose [since you've used "me" in second line]
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6 years 10 months ago

Let me think over

the suggestions. Much appreciate it.
Thank you so much.

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you raj

Much better I think after the edits. Please let me know if it reads better as I implemented what you've suggested.
Anyway, appreciate your help a bunch!

R

6 years 10 months ago

Rula

certainly reads better....in L2S3 did you mean heroes? if so you have missed an e in it...
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6 years 10 months ago

thank you dear raj

for the hawk eye. :)

R

6 years 10 months ago

Should it be O or Oh in the

Should it be O or Oh in the title?...I am many a times confused with when it should be O and Oh..both being exclamations..
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6 years 10 months ago

I had to search

I didn't know if there is a difference
Here is what I found.... Interesting
http://grammarist.com/usage/o-oh/

R

6 years 10 months ago

Hi Rula

thanks for providing the link...makes me wiser...
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6 years 10 months ago

I agree with

you Mark. Budding is the write word here.
Edited.
Highly appreciated!

6 years 10 months ago

Very beautiful poem that,

Very beautiful poem that, like you said, only mothers can truly get. "Soft skin scents shall naturally arose" should probably be "soft skin scents naturally arose" as it would be grammatically correct to say "shall arise" and not "shall arose" since arose is in past tense and shall is in future tense. Just something I caught.

6 years 10 months ago

Of course

thank you for the heads up.
Appreciate your time. Happy to know that you like it greg.