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IRiz
IRiz
Sep 06, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

My Faith

Sometimes especially when it is raining
the steps of time become too wide
and cobblestones of moments drown
in the transparent vibrant tide.

Worn down walls are falling on my shoulders
and crumbling sky sends narrow smile of light
indifferently flat and white.

Sometimes it's raining but I always know
there is a door in darkened corner.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

More from this author

Comments

lovedly

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

Your Faith

Seemingly is crumbling
four- three to two
downwards
now compose one in faith rebuilding
two,three and four
upwards
like the Pyramids of
GIZA
builds faith of many
who live in HOPE
eras afterwards
but none returns

lovedly

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

e.g

2lines
3
&
4 lines

lovedly

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

thanks Irene

but do you think
I have such ability

to see whats happening
behind closed doors of destiny
a cup of tea once did await me

if you recall I came to the door
the bell never rang so I went
since that day did I not repent
why I didn't know an error of judgement

( base 4 mid 3 top 2)

R

raj

6 years 10 months ago

Hi IRiz

one word for this poem....Exquisite and loved the way you connected door in the corner with the title....there is always a door as long as one has faith...loved this...
.........................................................................................

R

raj

6 years 10 months ago

Ohhh...apologies ...just an

Ohhh...apologies ...just an error...nothing more than that...I have corrected it now...
........................................................................................

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

:)

:)

Rula

Rula

6 years 10 months ago

Hello dear IRiz

Some great dark /melancholic imagery.
You set the gloomy mood really well in the first two stanzas, however I felt like the last two lines have been a bit rushed. It might be only me though. Otherwise a very expressive writing.
Many thanks for sharing.

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Hi Rula,

Hi Rula,
Maybe you are right :)
But I wanted to explore whether 4-3-2 line stanzas feel good. Not sure yet.

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

6 years 10 months ago

writing this now

6 pm 9/7, the sky just erupted here in dc with a thunderous rain. Good timing. Lot's of lightning!

I like the poem, but for these two images are too abstract to really allow them to bloom.
"Steps of time", "cobblestones of moments" In a short poem every word counts (well I suppose in a long one too!) and so i think i want a little more coherence on the top end of this poem. The words of these two images sounds good but I cannot put them together, (like a cobblestone being connected to the idea of moments...my inner mind cannot connect them. )

The rain continues outside. I'll look for that trap door to get me out of here!

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Hi Mark,

Hi Mark,
perhaps it will help to see what I mean if you imagine an cobblestone stairs, then time - stairs, moments - coblestones double metaphor would seem more acceptable.
Also sometimes moments are heavy like stones especially if walls are falling on you.
The door metaphor is much more common use, but I needed it because that is what I believe in.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate your time. Are you having a poetry meeting this Saturday?

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

6 years 10 months ago

Yes

Bring this poem! At 3 pm at Luce center Also tues check meetup dc poetry workshop please come! Details to follow

Sparrow

Sparrow

6 years 10 months ago

Irene

There is only that last line to put in it should read something like:- I shall look inward and be renewed.
Take care young lady and know that it is always a pleasure to walk with you in all stages of life.
Yours Ian ..x

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

My friend, I know what you

My friend, I know what you mean. It is a clever thought.
The door I mentioned could be in one's soul.
Thank you for reading.

IRiz

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

yes, thank you I did

yes, thank you I did
it sounds great
i am working on organizing my thoughts
it is a tiring process
sorry i did not write a response
i am still with you at heart

Sparrow

Sparrow

6 years 9 months ago

Irene

Yes the door is always there, no matter what we do or believe.
As you know I write of these things a lot but it is a good habit that I have been asked to do.
Not sure if you have seen the story of Cara the young girl that was ill and one of the children I know visited her through a door in her bedroom,
I have many recordings of the children and it was a few months after writing about Cara, that a little girl called Cara came through, from what we term as the other side I am glad I recorded my talks with the Children as it adds that extra to believing in something and your door as you say was into the soul, there as you drift the other place will show its self to us in a quiet corner..
Yours Ian. x
Cara is on :- yenti.co.uk "The Golden Key"

weirdelf

weirdelf

6 years 9 months ago

much better!

That is what I was really hoping for. Poets supplying their own imagery. I will, of course submit to you for approval the ways I integrate image with words before posting anything.