raj

Sep 09, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Flowerbed [A Pillownote]

a night pretty enchanting
all fragrant and enticing
inhaling an exotic aroma
in every breath of you

each gentle touch on tips
like caress of flutter bees
made every bud bloom
releasing your perfume

a brush on velvety petals
roused soft inviting whispers
with a gush of sweet nectar
moistening your tulips

as I gently slid out of the rug
you pulled me back with a tug
to wrap me in a warm hug
quickening our heartbeats

the flowers you brought to bed
fill our room with an essence
of a brand so rare and true
which smells just of you

this note I now leave by your pillow
while you sprawl in a lavender nylo
to let you know what you must know
"may your fragrance never fade"

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Shadowdancer3349

6 years 10 months ago

Raj

you were doing fine until the last line
I know you can come up with a stronger end

raj

6 years 10 months ago

for taking time to read this one and share your thoughts....I will definitely take a re look at the last line and work on it to make it better...hope you would return later and share your thought about the tweaked up version...

PS: Just now I've changed the last line entirely
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Shadowdancer3349

6 years 10 months ago

last lie

nice ending

raj

6 years 10 months ago

I guess you meant line and

I guess you meant line and not lie :)...good to know that it now reads well...
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Shadowdancer3349

6 years 10 months ago

Raj

My apologies yes I did mean line

raj

6 years 10 months ago

No need to apologize SD..

No need to apologize SD...Such errors happen inadvertently with most...
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Sparrow

6 years 10 months ago

raj

A lovely longing to be within the fragrance of the flowers and I loved it, this is one I had published many years ago, somewhen in the 80's :-

Still Flowers

At the grasses edge one day I lay
The flowers leaned and seemed to say
With our fragrance and beauty we are one
With your thoughts of purity, which as the sun,

Can melt a thousand droplets of water
Into a diamond haze of a summers dawn
Be at peace with us as it can only be,
A moment that could be lost in eternity

I remember in awe that moment held
In my very soul for there it will always be
Hidden for the haste of eternity
A moment to still those who have had bad days,

Bringing back those wonderful ways
My presence in the form of a child
Who was gifted with the love of flowers.

Take care young man and know we walk the same pathways, Yours as always Ian..

raj

6 years 10 months ago

Hi Ian

This is delicate..has poise and beauty...
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Sparrow

6 years 10 months ago

raj

Thank you, it was written a long time ago but I thought it might enhance your write a little,
Take care young one, Yours Ian ..

Rula

6 years 9 months ago

Interesting and awesome

use of metaphor raj. I see you've modified the title though the first would have made a good complement of your pillow notes series, but of course the call is yours.
Thank you for sharing.

raj

6 years 9 months ago

Hello Rula

thanks for reading....good to know you liked use of the metaphor...i have restored in the title [A Pillownote]
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