IRiz

Sep 21, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Pleasant Weight

First, it was a glance from the corner of curious eyes
sent to a woman walking beside me.

Then, it was a flock of falling unwillingly leaves,
leaves of the color of linnet wings,

and a girl on a bicycle learning to ride
with her brother running behind her.

I look at the clock, only one minute gone by.
How many of them did I miss and where was I?

I don't remember. But my hands
feel pleasantly heavy from carrying

the weight of my years.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: How is my first two lines? Do you see the image? Is it clear what I mean that someone is looking at a woman who works near me, giving her a short but curious glance?

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

Comments

scribbler

6 years 10 months ago

hi Riz

the first two lines are clear in their meaning. But it's the last two line that I like best. The others are pretty random which well matches the randomness of observations........stan

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you for your answer, yes they were random but somewhat connected the first one is about looks that are not addressed to my protagonist anymore, time is passing, second is about time taking it course, the last one is about the youth that is learning now while my protagonist is just an observer.
The very last lines are the statement
I relate to very much.

Eumolpus

6 years 10 months ago

an excellent short poem

filled with just the right amount of mystery and images. Works on a subconscious level, very hard to achieve. Nicely done.

(only comment would be to replace "third" with "following," or "after" or some variation rather than numbering the sequence of events so specifically...somehow too concrete)

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you, Mark,

Thank you, Mark,
I followed your suggestion on making the list less ordered. I am still Not sure about this part yet.

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

your outlook on life it is

beauty of youth a kid
then learning with a sibling
a lady of substance
a wife
later an everlasting memory
where do I belong to like!
as of now
what says the mirror
still majestic

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

thanks for reading, brother

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

ok

thanx

raj

6 years 10 months ago

Hi IRiz

great use of literary devices as usually is in your poems to create the perspective the Protagonist intended as in this poem...i liked the visual of looking from the corner of a "curious" eye to recount the moments as they passed by....i would agree with Eumolpus that numbering the events could be avoided...i believe so because although these are pleasant bygone events when your title mentions the word "messy" a disorderliness is expected...many readers would probably relate to this poem because one does reminisce about such memories and figuratively try to get them organized to clear the mess...even though the reality is that one cannot reverse them....in short verses you have created the bigger picture.....
...........................................................................................................................

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Thank you Raj, it is very

Thank you Raj, it is very kind and pertinent comment

raj

6 years 10 months ago

good to notice that in the

good to notice that in the revisions you have got rid of the numbers...

do you think that "falling unwillingly leaves" would read better if changed to ""leaves falling unwillingly"?,
................................................................................................

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Nope it will ruin the meter.

Nope it will ruin the meter.
I used Haydn sonata number thirty two first part as a background to create the cadance.

raj

6 years 10 months ago

ok...of course you know

ok...of course you know better...
................................................

Shadowdancer3349

6 years 10 months ago

IRIz

well done but one tongue twister 2nd stanza 2nd line leaves of the color of how about just leaves the color of ?

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

Hello, I wrote the lines to

Hello, I wrote the lines to fit a specific meter pattern. Does English grammar allow my version?

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

YOU BEAT ME SIS

@UR FLOW like
ALL OVER NIAGARA
i was the safe custodian earlier
as words
in liquid form
hammered the waters
till sounds were heard
which did shatter
the world of all viewing
NIAGARA as it falls!!
ur mind is a Thesaurus
mine not at all
guess work of words
which come and call
and
loved by all
It's coming from
LOVEDLY
after all

IRiz

6 years 10 months ago

I don't compete I learn from

I don't compete I learn from my friends. Lol.
I love your flow.

lovedly

6 years 10 months ago

and I am still

since this life is too short to know all
sans age

Sparrow

6 years 9 months ago

Irene

A peek at others yet I assume that you remained within your self.
The fourth line needs some attention and as I am not sure if this is a set form I wont say about a change and leave this to you :-
Then, it was a flock of falling unwillingly leaves,
leaves of the colour of linnet wings,
You have repeated Leaves and of.
Both can be replaced with your words.
Take care, and lovely to walk with you here,
Yours, Ian x

IRiz

6 years 7 months ago

Thanks brother, I already

Thanks brother, I already have been told on that one. I take my poetic license on it, I wrote the lines for the music. Look it up on YouTube Haydn sonata 47.

Sparrow

6 years 9 months ago

Irene

When time permits I shall listen to the music, good that you stay as you believe it counts for a lot..
Take care, and lovely to walk with you as always,
Yours Ian . x

Sparrow

6 years 9 months ago

Irene

Have listened to the music all is well now. I write when something like Enya is playing or lots of music I can't stand silence it seems a waste and I can hear my head if it is quiet lol Take care out there and have a lovely day, Yours Ian x