scribbler

Sep 27, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

SAFE WITHIN

Another grunt another heave,
another boulder on the wall.
I wipe mind's sweat with my sleeve.
The barricade is growing tall.

I wonder is it tall enough.
Are all of the joints tight and strong?
I worry about all this stuff
and all the things which might go wrong.

For this wall has consumed my life
ever since I was a child.
Long before I wed my wife,
before my love of all things wild,

This dry wall denotes a citadel
a place where I safely abide
a defense from what goes not well
a stockade which keeps heartache outside.

In all these years I've let just one
inside this wall to share my life.
only one which I can depend on.
My ageless long suffering wife.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Geezer

6 years 9 months ago

Can't find...

anything wrong with this one. It rings true and of your love of your wife! ~ Gee.
.

scribbler

6 years 9 months ago

C'mon Gee

Surely you can find something lol. appreciate the visit

Geezer

6 years 9 months ago

Okay...

I find the last line of the fourth stanza a little unwieldy. How about "A wall to keep heartache outside?"
And the [ageless, long suffering wife], is something I'll leave you to deal with! ~ Gee.
.

scribbler

6 years 9 months ago

Thanks

You know I prefer truth so this will be examined when I edit......stan

Shadowdancer3349

6 years 9 months ago

stan

I concur with Gee

scribbler

6 years 9 months ago

OK

That does it. I'm gonna write one so that ya'll will Have to tell me stuff is in need of fixing lol. The thing is I won's tell you when I post it.Appreciate your visit and kind comment

Eumolpus

6 years 9 months ago

that you have built the wall of China around you to protect yourself from the world, only to let your wife into your deepest core. But why is she "suffering"? Is it mental, physical, emotional? It makes us wonder whether it was you who caused the suffering, as the result of your intense privacy, but I don't think it's that. For me the poem needs to offer the reader a few more clues to this relationship in relation to the wall you have spent a lifetime building, and your lifetime mate.

scribbler

6 years 9 months ago

Hiya

I figured it pretty obvious that the suffering was caused by her joining me within the citadel. But you have given me food for thought to be used in eventual edit and I appreciate that.......stan

Eumolpus

6 years 9 months ago

that was my first takeaway

perhaps it was the voice of the poet is confessing such a compassion for this other person who shares what's behind those walls with love, i didn't connect the suffering.

scribbler

6 years 9 months ago

No problem

A writer writes then sets the poem free and then it is open to the interpretation of the reader.