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Dec 24, 2018
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PRIVATE DANCING
I feel your heartbeat against me
as we dance to this old song
here in old love's privacy
exactly where we both belong.
And smell the lilacs in your hair
there just beneath my grizzled chin
in the cloud of life we share
savoring the love we're in.
The only thing which might seem strange
to anyone choosing to spy
there's no music playing to arrange
while we slowly weave our way by.
For after all the passing time
our rhythm has found its own rhyme.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: a badly written sonnet I think
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
zebra
6 years 6 months ago
Hi Scribbler
Well I'm old enough and married long enough to feel both the intimacy and the power of time as inferred by your grizzled chin and the tender sentimental sensations of love in this write
Having said that it feels so picture post card provincial as I move through the verses I think because it is only a foundational scaffolding . Its really a straight narrative so while I love the idea the language feels bereft of the poetic seduction needed to seduce the reader into finding entrancement in the language itself. Poetry becomes vital when language curves around the reader evoking heat and light.
I feel your heartbeat against me
as we dance to this old love song
here in old love's privacy
exactly where we both belong.
And smell the lilacs in your hair
there just beneath my grizzled chin
in the cloud of our life we share
savoring the love we're in.
While this poem has relevant substance personally and universally it feels surprises-less, predictable ie derivative
I would do word search and employ literary devices like metaphor, symbol, artful repetition of a phrase
Enduring relationships come from caring, being tested by miscommunication. self sacrifice, pain, pleasure, deep understanding and as you know periods of estrangement; relationships are multi dimensional ..I think you might ask yourself how better do you let the reader into a deep experience by accentuating eloquence of language, and force of emotion in such away that may exert itself profoundly upon the readers mind
Hope my comments are useful to you.
Best Z
scribbler
6 years 6 months ago
Hello
I for some reason decided to try a sonnet which I hate like going to the dentist. One reason is the tight structure required which has always limited the intent of the poem for those, like me, who aren't that good at writing the cussed things lol. I always appreciate honesty and will keep yours in mind when I inevitably edit this........stan
raj
6 years 6 months ago
liked the genteel nature of
liked the genteel nature of this Stan....
.........................
scribbler
6 years 6 months ago
Hi raj
Genteel..... hmmm... a good way to say boring? lol. Thanks for the time to read and comment
raj
6 years 6 months ago
Oh...so now even my comment
Oh...so now even my comment is misinterpreted...
well if you google you will find following synonyms for genteel
refined, respectable, polished, decorous, proper, polite, correct, seemly, well mannered, well bred, cultivated, cultured, sophisticated, courteous, ladylike, gentlemanly, civil, elegant, stylish, urbane, civilized, courtly, dignified, gracious, punctilious; More
Example
"an extremely genteel couple who have fallen on hard times"
anyways there re times when even my good intentions/comments are found to be bitter...
have a nice vacation
........................................................
scribbler
6 years 6 months ago
come on raj
I was just kidding around. I sometimes forget that my expression doesn't go out along with the words.
Eumolpus
6 years 6 months ago
a tender sonnet
and pleasurable to read. After a few takes not sure about the final "gears" ..so cold and mechanical seems the only forced rhyme and in a crucial spot in the poem. I'd reconsider that...
I also like the title.
..
scribbler
6 years 6 months ago
Greetings
I had not considered the gears thing not quite fitting in this poem. Appreciate the detailed critique........stan
Sparrow
6 years 6 months ago
Stan
Loved it and could visualise the scene..
Just the last line could be changed it sounds like a car crash and at the age you were depicting here it would kill you both lol xx
scribbler
6 years 6 months ago
Hi Ian
Me trying to write a sonnet usually IS a case wreck lol. Thanks for the visit......stan
scribbler
6 years 6 months ago
Greetings April
@5 years? practically a newlywed lol. I've been married for 44 years. Have no idea how she puts up with me unless it's to see what happens next. I am pleased you came by and thanks for the kind words......stan