Deidrejoy

Jan 12, 2019 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Birthing Butterflies

Cherubs fell from the skies
The day I died
Howling owls flew in circles
Wondering if the roses would
Ever bloom again...
And somewhere, nonchalant, a little boy sang
While the moon watched and waited and wondered
And the sailors all came home.

Angels gathered in the treetops
The day I lived
Cats roamed amongst tombstones
Happily feasting on leftover rain
All the world hummed
And there, guardedly, a little girl bloomed
While the moon sang and danced and tumbled around
And the birds all carried messages.

Cherubs and angels grew wings
The day we loved
Unicorns walked the avenues
Unafraid of our human ways
And the earth sang
And here, quietly, two children shyly kissed
While the moon laughed at the sun for its blindness
And cocoons birthed butterflies.

All was right with the universe
As l died
And lived
And loved

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Vic, Australia, AUS

Comments

Eumolpus

6 years 9 months ago

a nicely worded poem

nice pace and really nice images.

The only suggestion for me is in some ways the images are somewhat interchangeable with the subject of each stanza. I can see unicorns walking the avenues the day you lived or died or the earth humming the day you died. Angels and Cherubs are very closely related, (cherubs are a type of angels) and you might consider their relationship to the poem as well.
You have a lovely feel for words and images, and using contrast. You have a nice presence in the poem.
The title for me seems as a second thought. I would consider one more in line with the narrative.

Deidrejoy

6 years 9 months ago

Thank you so much. You are

Thank you so much. You are quite correct with the title, I hit a bump and didn’t want to go down the untitled path. I really appreciate this, it’s all very encouraging, thank you.

themoonman

6 years 9 months ago

Hi,

Ooooh ...
I quite like your poem. I want to offer
a couple of things. When arranging your
words, direct the read. That being said,
I had some ideas on your poem.

Cherubs fell from the skies,
the day I died.
Howling owls flew in circles
wondering if roses
would bloom again,
and somewhere
nonchalantly
a little boy sings
while the moon watched and waited and wondered
and the sailors all came home.

themoonman

6 years 9 months ago

Hi,

I did change a couple of things, left
out a word or so but anyway, just a
suggestion, I like the piece, thanks for
posting with us and I'm looking forward
to your next one.

Deidrejoy

6 years 9 months ago

Thank you! I can see the

Thank you! I can see the difference. I think I need to give myself more time. I tend to panic a little towards the end of my writing. Seriously thank you.

weirdelf

6 years 9 months ago

You've had some great feedback from Eumulpos and themoonman

I would only add that I was quite astounded that you got away with using the words and phrases-
Birthing Butterflies, Cherubs. Roses. Bloom, Angels gathered, All the world hummed. And the birds all carried messages. Cherubs and angels. The day we loved. Unicorns walked the avenues' And the earth sang (and did it move?), And cocoons birthed butterflies. All was right with the universe

and not only get away with it without becoming trite or sentimental but actually achieve a weirdly edgy, strong poem.

I am fucking impressed and going to spend some time time trying to figure out how you achieved this remarkable effect.

I do suggest you enlarge your vocabulary and range of imagery sources a bit in future. This would be really hard to carry off in a body of work.

Deidrejoy

6 years 9 months ago

Omg awesome. I deeply

Omg awesome. I deeply appreciate this. And yes I wrote Omg awesome because my mind can be very suburban:) I am learning so much here. Thank you!

weirdelf

6 years 9 months ago

By the way, what visuals forms do you work in?

I do a bit of video and animation and am interested in working with anyone with an eye to poetry video.

we've done a bunch of readings too, on SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet

Deidrejoy

6 years 9 months ago

I’m into mostly drawing and I

I’m into mostly drawing and I’m going to start painting again after a twenty year gap that was mostly due to a worsening disability but also a big crisis of confidence. I’m going to have a look at your Soundcloud, my late partner is on there with his music. Thank you again:)

Roscoe Lane

6 years 9 months ago

Superb,

Superb, keep it coming. Love Roscoe...