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Feb 04, 2019
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Why She?!
She's been his lavender,
The lilac of his days,
The lilies at his wander,
A flower, roses praise.
She wore up the debonair face,
And inhaled the celestial scent.
She trod along with angels' pace,
inspirational and pleasant.
The hair? It travelled ahead
To dwell where do the dreams.
_A gypsy's, almost red,
when meets wee sunshine's beams.
Should fate knock upon her door,
And call her mystic name.
A candle that was before,
Soon passed her pastoral fame.
Inspired by an image
https://www.instagram.com/p/BtarAPwHrs5zioMiZXouw5Z5zAh-NfLtWYZeXA0/?ut…
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Trying to stretch a bit more than my usual with description. Dont know how much I succeeded.
Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
zebra
6 years 5 months ago
Hi Rula
This has a nice feel linguistically; the words sound good together as they coil through out the poem
One of my favorites of yours
I had trouble with this though
"And call her specific name,"
Why specific; a name is always specific and I'm not sure its needed for the musicality of the sentence The poem has a magical feel. _A gypsy's almost red,
when meets wee sunshine's beams. maybe Celtic so I'm thinking a name of hidden power or secret name that has power over you
Best Z
zebra
6 years 5 months ago
ahhhhhhhh :)
ahhhhhhhh :)
Rula
6 years 5 months ago
Hello Z
Thank you! It gives my heart much pleasure to be read and well critqued.
I thought about your suggestion and thought it's spot on.
I changed to mystic so as to add to the mystery lady.
Hope it works with you and others more now.
Appreciate your time and thoughts.
Geezer
6 years 5 months ago
Celtic feel indeed...
I thought that there were a few bobbles in the rhythm, but nothing major. I'm sure that it can stand as it is. However, I think that if you were to subtract the word [that] from the first line, it would fit the pattern better. No doubt, the word [inspirational] is a nice word, but I think that there is one syllable too many there. How about removing the word and using [admired] shifting the accent to the rear of the line to make it fit the pattern better? The line would then read as; "admired and [so] pleasant. Lastly, you might add a word to the line "Should Fate knock [upon] her door" As always, just suggestions and feel free to ignore them and me. ~ Geezer.
.
Rula
6 years 5 months ago
Dear Geezer
I highly appreciate your constructive feedback.
I edited that stanza to keep the word 'inspirational' :)
Hope you like the rhythm better now.
Thank you!
Geezer
6 years 5 months ago
Oh yes!...
Very, very nice! ~ Geezer.
.
Rula
6 years 5 months ago
macrocosm
A nice word! I'll make sure to use it soon Mark.
Can't thank you enough for your thoughtful reading.
Rula
6 years 5 months ago
Great to meet you
Katie. Really appreciate your kind words.
Looking forward to reading you soon.
Thank you!