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Roscoe Lane
Roscoe Lane
Feb 11, 2019 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Stone Cold Warriors...

Stone Cold Warriors…..

I’m falling over shaped white stone,
warring men have placed in a yard.
Never have I felt so alone,
can’t honour war dead, I find it hard.

Wasted lives, even more so in war,
carving a niche along with a name.
Can’t make a profit, what’s life for,
cold stone masons they’re to blame.

The sheer depravity of titled men,
free spending with poor people’s lives.
Willing to let soldiers die again,
scratch the names in their archives.

Leaders lost in a sea of failure,
british poodles obey, u s commands.
It’s not a matter of wealth or stature,
we do so love those marching bands.

Some died from or on a grassy knoll,
shrapnel so impersonal to a human frame.
Even so young people still heed the call,
desperate lives for death, and or fame.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Enough said..

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Scotland, Ayrshire land of Burns.., GBR

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Comments

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

6 years 5 months ago

I like your poem

Many good ideas..tilted men, sea of failure, etc.

A few issues
some of the meter is quirky, example:

American leaders lost in a sea of failure

too many syllables and cuts the flow. might sound better "American leaders in a sea of failure,"

also the first stanza is a bit confusing to me:

I’m falling over shaped white stone,
warring men have placed in a yard.
Never have I felt so very alone,
can’t honor war dead, I find it hard. (spell honour to honor)

Perhaps "tripping over"?
"Never felt so very alone" seems too extreme, i think you can put it another way ending with "alone" to preserve the rhyme

reminds me of a poem I posted "I do not salute" with a similar theme. Take a look, let's compare.

Roscoe Lane

Roscoe Lane

6 years 5 months ago

Thank you,

Thank you, I agree with some comments and will change, I will have a look at your poem. Regards Roscoe...

S

scribbler

6 years 5 months ago

Hmmmm Hmmm....

That last line seem needlessly convoluted to me . Maybe something like : Lives desperate for death.....or fame.