Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
May 12, 2019
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Thanks Again Mom...
My mom thanked me for coming
I told her it's my honor
I don't get there often
But, she knows I love her
Grandkids and great grandkids
Coming through the door
My sisters and my nieces
Her room can't hold much more
I see her through old eyes myself
I'm pushing seventy-one
Remembering when she was spry
Still dancing, having fun
She taught me how to Jitterbug
Do a Charleston step or two
How to treat a lady
And when dating what to do
So hard to see her hurting
I wish that it weren't so
But she smiles and says I love you
When it's time to go
As I drive away this time
My eyes a little wet
I'm thinking of the times gone by
I never will forget
So Happy Mother's Day, dear Mom
This family stays in touch
I'll see you soon, I promise
We love you very much
About This Poem
Last Few Words: A Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there! Thank you for the push Jon.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Pugilist
6 years 2 months ago
This is a solid memory
You have a great foundation, I would like it to include something specific, something that brings to mind a circumstance I shared or wish I shared. Currently, it is an introduction. It need not be longer, just more poignant with a translatable hook to make the reader think.
Geezer
6 years 2 months ago
Thank you...
I understand what you are saying, and I have a thought on it. Thank you for the solid critique and subsequent idea. ~ Gee.
.
Geezer
6 years 2 months ago
What do you think?...
Did I get the circumstance and/or shared experience? ~ Gee.
.
Pugilist
6 years 2 months ago
I like the addition
Exactly what I was looking for, a solid connection, it was visceral.
Geezer
6 years 2 months ago
Thank you...
Again, thanks for the push! It was what I was going for, but didn't quite get. It was your critique that let me make it better. As a matter of fact, when I read it over the phone to my sister, who is in another state and couldn't get here for Mother's Day; she cried and had to leave the phone. [One time that I have actually been proud to have made my sister cry]. ~ Gee.
.
tyro
6 years 2 months ago
It's clear, down to earth,
It's clear, down to earth, and heart felt, I like it very much. And being so descriptive, even in the confines of rhyme, makes it very evocative.
Geezer
6 years 2 months ago
I love rhyme...
and the challenge to make a poem work within the confines of it without the rhyme seeming to be forced. Sometimes, I get it right off the bat, but the there are times when I need a push like Pugilist gave me. This an example of the things that good critique can do for the writer. Thank you for your critique and comments. It is particularly satisfying to receive such praise for something that does come from the heart. ~ Geezer.
.