Geezer

Mar 01, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Storm Tossed...

Limbless trees ashore, like spars puncturing slate grey clouds of sail
Racing with monster white capped waves of leaden green

The heaving motion of rain swept deck
Undulates beneath my feet, like a twisting serpent

Smashed against jagged rock, the sea scatters into needle spray
Brine stings the eyes, and crawls the skin

Breath labors heavily
Yet there is exhilaration in the moment

Defying the power of Neptune
I shout out obscenties

Barren land is visible, through my glass
I claim it as my own

Wrenched from the gods, it suits my purpose
I will exile my conscience here...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Thank you all for the suggestions in giving the first lines more depth, and clarity.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Candlewitch

14 years 4 months ago

Dear sir Gee,

Raw emotion and brave, bold descriptions! I do love a good storm and can flow along with it. This is the kind of piece that stirs a persons blood. I cannot pick out favorite lines because they are all so vibrant, but the ending is killer! I have no suggestions, only appreciation for the work.

Love, Cat

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

I had...

a dream, where I had been exiled to a bleak and forbidding land, reached only by sailing a stormy sea. i didn't know what exactly I had been convicted of, only that I felt I was blameless. So when I was made to be left there, I was determined to make it my own, and never to capitulate to the forces that had marooned me on that hostile, bleak shore. ~ Thanks for the read, and the gracious comments. ~ Love ya, Gee

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

The limbless...

trees, puncturing the billowing, slate grey clouds, signified two things. Firstly, the landscape that I spied through my telescope, and secondly, the masts and spars of the ship I was sailing on. I welcome such suggestions that might make this clear. Thank you for the well wishing, ~ Gee

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

I wasn't sure...

that it was or would be clear, what I was trying to symbolise. I think that I will wait to edit this one, until I hear from some more people. Maybe someone will have an idea to make the trees more closely resemble masts. Thanks for the read, and great comment. ~ Gee

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you...

for even mentioning me in the same breath as Tennyson! No, the intent was not the same, but I do admire Tennyson's work. It is spare, but so visual and he defines description in so few words. i love the power of storms, they are one of the most powerful forces of nature. Unbridaled energy, immutable force. Thank you for the read, ~ Gee

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

hi Geeze

Raw fury of nature and protagonist both well shown. From above I see you're seeking ideas on 1st stanza. Maybe something like :
Old tree trunks aboard and far
puncturing billowing slate gray clouds

Just an idea..............stan

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

I will...

work on that! Any idea coming from you in describing nature, deserves a good look. Thanks for the read, and suggestion, ~ Gee

Roscoe Lane

14 years 4 months ago

I think,

I think, change nothing, it's perfect the storm jumps off the screen. And the sailor's relief at sighting safety is tangible. Great poem. Regards Roscoe..

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you...

I made a couple of changes, but I don't think it hurt the intent. As a matter of fact, I think they give it a little more strength. ~ Gee

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

Thanks to...

the people that offered suggestions. They were the ones that helped make this what it is. I just manipulated their ideas, until I had a better piece of work. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Gee

scribbler

14 years 4 months ago

Geez

I knew you would come up with a better solution than my suggestion................stan

Geezer

14 years 4 months ago

Thank you...

for the confidence. I really appreciate the comments and suggestions that you make, and always take them into consideration when I edit. ~ Gee

Geezer

5 years 8 months ago

In visiting...

old work, I came across this one and thought that I should update it. Not much of a change, but...

Xavier Sleuth

3 years 11 months ago

110 out of 100

WOW this poem made me go there.
So clear - like getting drowned in reality.
Biggest fave so far. Wish there were thumbs-ups on this site.
I'd make 20 accounts to give 20 thumbs.

And eheh - "I will exile my conscience here..."
Best line ------^^^

Geezer

3 years 11 months ago

I am...

really beginning to think, that we should write something together! I didn't think that hardly anyone really got what I was saying! But I see with your last remark, that you did! 110 out of 100, huh? ~ Geez.
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