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Jan 12, 2021
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To the Sea, My Mistress... [January contest]
Grey-green mounds of water
Capped with pale white froth
Move smooth beneath a leaden sky
Struck by lightning, made to broth
Deep, it holds its' secrets
Holds them down and close
Sunken dreams, drowned it seems
Drunken gods, verbose
She's a cruel and dangerous mistress
She tempts you with fair skies
Balmy breeze, such a tease
So pleasing to the eyes
For sailors on the boundless sea
The water's a living thing
Mates for life, it's their wife
Whatever she may bring
So, when I die and pass away
Down to Davy Jones I'll go
I'll join his crew, like we all do
That's a sailor's life, you know?
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Just wondering about the title. Thank you for the ideas about my title. I decided to take the middle road and re-title it. Hope it works. Also thanks to Rula for catching the plural-rhyme.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Lavender
4 years 5 months ago
Sea My Mistress
Hi, Geezer,
I know very little of a sailor's life, but the essence is certainly captured here, and more. I enjoyed every word of this. There is something deep in there that holds the reader - wonderful language.
Maybe: Sea, My Mistress or My Mistress, the Sea?
Thanks!
L
Geezer
4 years 5 months ago
I had thought...
to make the title a sort of a pun or something. As in: See my mistress; meaning she's the boss. I will think on your suggestion of changing to My Mistress, the Sea. Glad that you enjoyed this. Thank you! ~ Geez.
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Geezer
4 years 5 months ago
Thank you much...
I am always so glad to have you read and comment on my work. [Mostly because you are so lavish in praise]. LoL
I am a bit of afraid of the sea, I never venture far out when going to the beach, especially after seeing 'Jaws'! I have been out fishing on a charter a few times and loved it! I think a lot of that is because the mates take care of the cleaning of the fishes and all you have to do is reel them in. Thanks for the good luck wishes. ~ Geez.
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Geezer
4 years 5 months ago
At least...
with snorkeling, you have your face and eyes beneath the surface and can see what's going on. I don't know what I would be able to do against a big shark, but I would at least like to have the chance to do something. I hate the idea of being surprised and eaten before I could do anything. ~ Geez.
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Rula
4 years 5 months ago
Hello Geezer
My only suggestion on this is to keep your perfect rhymes all through by modifying (eye) to (eyes)
Just a suggestion you know. Great personification of your mistress. Best of luck.
Geezer
4 years 5 months ago
Thank you...
Yes, I missed that. I will certainly put that plural ending on. Don't know how I missed that. Thank you for the good luck wishes and the comment about my perfect rhyme.
~ Geez
lovedly
4 years 5 months ago
on another site they say
show don't
see
but you have a vast sea
she
winner may you be
Gee
there is no entry
by me
Ray Whitaker
4 years 5 months ago
Belongs in Moby Dick!
Mellvile is who this reminds me of. Nicely done!
A great contestant in the Jan contest!
Geezer
4 years 5 months ago
Thank you much...
Wow! Melville huh? I could deal with the fame of that one! ~ Geez.
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Geezer
4 years 5 months ago
I have renamed...
this one "To the Sea, My Mistress" Thanks for your ideas though, and I like them enough that if I hadn't already chosen a new one, I would select one of them. ~ Geez.
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Rula
4 years 4 months ago
Hello
coming to read this one again
Line 1 stanza 2 there is an extra apostrophe.I think you don't really need it.
Deep, it holds its(') secrets