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Apr 23, 2021
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Disregarded (edited)
Disregarded
it feels like crap
to be ignored,
on this I stress
yes, underscored.
standing here
right before you
naked in the light
what more can I do
to make you hear me
make you see...
how much more obvious
than this can I be?
I write my heart out
trying to share
but how can it be
when you're elswhere?
to be overlooked
and pushed aside
damages psyche
and wounds one's pride.
so please don't leave
me hanging here,
on the end of a string
tied up in fear.
perhaps I should
just go to bed,
and push this from
my weary head.
*more lines added and some were revised. many thanks to my readers!
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
c lynn brooks
4 years 2 months ago
Cat
It feels somewhat incomplete . Perhaps one more stanza as your ending has left me hanging. Close it up some
Candlewitch
4 years 2 months ago
hey Chrys,
I've added to it and revised a line. I hope this reads better now >{^*;*}< hello to Pixel.
thanks for your help, Cat
Arrow
4 years 2 months ago
I get a clear sense
of how small and powerless the author feels. I feel like disregard is almost too mild, like it reflects something more like scorn or contempt. I struggle with this stanza:
I write my heart out
trying to share
but how can it be
when no one is there?
It seems in the rest of the poem that a key problem is that someone else IS there and that person is overlooking the author, who is standing naked in front of them (literally or metaphorically). I get the sense someone is there, they just do not care.
Candlewitch
4 years 2 months ago
hello Arrow,
thank you for your in depth critique of my poem, it is greatly appreciated by me. does the changes I made work for you? I wasn't angry, more hurt and impatient. and yes, I was feeling small and insignificant. due to the long hours Steve works. he is a software engineer and semi-retired. he works from home.
*hugs, Cat
*
Arrow
4 years 2 months ago
Yes, it does
I think the lines are nicely ambiguous, too. That is, is the person literally elsewhere or is their mind simply somewhere else? The latter is often worse than the former. I think the new ending tied it up nicely. That was well-implemented good advice from Chrys.
Ray Whitaker
4 years 2 months ago
Agreed... on the someone else part
However the intent (to me) is to strike out at the someone...perhaps my thoughts are too obvious, however the anger in the poem is evident to me. Gives a goodly amount of energy to the piece.
Also agreed that the piece leaves me wanting more, like naming the relationship or place/space.
I somehow expected a sort of forward energy, instead of a place of resignation.
In the wilds of the USA, if you have n encounter with an angry bear, it’s not wise to lay down and play dead. There, it’s best to make a lot of noise, and grab onto some sort of weapon...
Candlewitch
4 years 2 months ago
thank you Ray,
I very much appreciate you taking the time to both read and comment on my poem. I wasn't angry, but you are right about the resignation, lol. tomorrow always brings a new day where we can start over. I've made some changes to existing lines and added couple of verses. I hope you like them.
*hugs, Cat
Ray Whitaker
4 years 2 months ago
Really, not angry?
Oh, well, I guess I just read that into it. You never know what is the interpretation for the reader, eh?
It ‘s a good piece of work. You must have thought about it a lot. I’m thinking this is more than a bit autobiographical?
Candlewitch
4 years 2 months ago
you are right...
it is autobiographical. Steve is something of a workaholic. it is something he needs to work on and he knows it. if he forgets, I remind him. on the up-side, he reads all of my poetry and makes suggestions on it. he also helps me with punctuation now and again. he is most partial to my dark-sided poetry by: eddy styx and gives me good feedback. thanks for reading and your insightful comment.
*hugs, Cat
Geezer
4 years 2 months ago
Maybe...
he needs to take a lunch break and attend to your psyche. Long hours is not an excuse for ignoring a naked woman ~ Geez.
.
Candlewitch
4 years 2 months ago
LOL!
you can always make me laugh...and I appreciate that very much!
*hugs, Cat