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Jun 16, 2021
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Stunted Personality
Thoughout my young life
Words split though my lips
Tearing aimlessly like a knife
Until my peers dug in their grips
I watched as my words fell flat
Expressionless faces looking back
Wanting to end this feelingless vat
I bit my tongue and let my smile crack
But still theres good news to be had
I've found friends much better, I wouldnt go back
They listen intently, sitting so glad
It's a damn shame I find my words now lack
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I haven't been on here in awhile, but this community is so endearing, I simply can't escape it! ;) (Apologizies if I appear rusty)
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Triskelion
4 years 1 month ago
Appears
this is a lament about a writer's loss of muse and passion. There is a mixture of meter there, but being a technical issue, it's of lower priority to most writers. I hope you discover your muse again.
Thomas
Geezer
4 years 1 month ago
In going through...
a list of poems that I want to rewrite, I saw a comment by yourself, and wondered what had become of you. Now, here you are, posting a poem! Funny, how things seem to come in a circle. No worries about being rusty, we will polish you up and get you going again. Your meter is mixed as Triskelion says, but I think that after you read a bit of the works current, you will see for yourself, how you can smooth it out. I will stop by later to see if I can be of any help. ~ Geezer.
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Geezer
4 years 1 month ago
I'm back...
I would use the word [ripped] instead of split
It is more in keeping with the tearing. I would also
use a different word for aimlessly, maybe [crazily]?
How about [uninspired faces] instead of expressionless?
Wanting to end this [emotional] vat?
Just a couple of ideas, hope they may be of some help. ~ Geezer.
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Gracy
4 years 1 month ago
Hi mddy, your poem has almost
Hi mddy, your poem has almost perfect rhymes and spacing. I agree with Geez that some lines need to be smoothed a little.
It's highly emotional to read, I hope you're OK and just venting by using poetry.
Enjoyed, will return.