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Oct 21, 2021
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That Innocent child
She seems so distant, so far away
It is strange to see a genuine smile
Ever stumbling along day by day
The zombies are here, our souls in exile
We are the demons the source of privation
I am polluted and defiled
Has earth become my eternal damnation
I miss her, that innocent child
I see the decorations, ornaments and frill
This malignity should be forgotten and estranged
Their cackaling laughter and mischievous shrill
My agony labeled as mentally deranged
That dreaded day that they call Halloween
Where the monsters remain no longer in hell
I am not alive, at the age of a teen
Merely existence, the world is my cell
To be born again is a wish but in vain
Protect that little girl from moral seduction
Living with my mistakes is a mental pain
Driving myself to the brink of destruction
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
Geezer
3 years 9 months ago
I am not...
really sure of the focus here. I don't know if you are lamenting the fact that children are exposed to the violence of monsters or
the more real dangers of our increasingly violent society. Or maybe, you are saying that as we grow up, we are more surely becoming the society that we are so afraid of? I see that this is your first post and I hope that it isn't your last. I would appreciate a bit of clarity here. Your scansion could use a little tidying up, but overall, a piece that can give one something to think about. ~ Geezer.
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Avelina
3 years 9 months ago
In response to your feedback.
To be completely honest when I wrote the poem I was not sure of the focus. It was a moment of vulnerability and I was quite emotional at the time, perhaps I should have waited and perfected it. I am sorry that I couldn't shed any light on your confusion and I thank you for your constructive criticism. -Avelina.
Geezer
3 years 9 months ago
This is what...
we do here! We write and ask for critique and comments, then we shave, dress-up and smooth out the wrinkles. I've loved this site ever since I first joined it over thirteen years ago. If I have or can be of any help in making your work better, or have a positive influence on it, I'm happy! I think that you have answered my question and I think that you will have a better vision of it yourself, now that you have thought more about it.~ Geezer.
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Owl Has My Soul
3 years 9 months ago
I have found that many of the
I have found that many of the poems I have posted have evolved as i have considered the feedback I have received. A few of my poems became quite different from the original that was first posted. I have really appreciated the back and forth of the mini workshop type exchanges that have occurred. I encourage you to get out your finer brush and see how your work evolves.
Your writing makes me want to read more...