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Triskelion
Triskelion
Jan 09, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Exercise in shallow writing

1. You held a blade
to my heart.
Every beat
fondled
the point of it.

When my heart was pounding for you,
it was like suicide.

>Thomas<

2. You said such
nice things to me.
Your seduction
undressed
my innocence.

We had sex,

then you traded your tongue
for a dagger.

>Thomas<

3. I was a wave
in the middle of
the ocean.
I saw your
shoreline
and
I raced to you
but,
your reef

broke and

stranded me.

>Thomas<

4. I turned
your attention

into want

I
could never sate.

>Thomas<

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Lake Simcoe Canada

Favorite Poets: Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel,

More from this author

Comments

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

3 years 6 months ago

This is good.

I think perhaps an adjective or two on the last line, to further describe the suicide. "Slow", perhaps, or maybe "growing", which would tie in well with the pounding heartbeat and implicit emotion.

But its a minor thing: since I already felt that slowness and growth from reading your poem, others probably do too, with or without.

Like I said, good poetry.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

3 years 4 months ago

hello,

are both examples yours? is the second poem a rewrite of the first? interesting point of view, lol. I do like the second attempt much better. great imagery.

always, Cat

^

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

3 years 4 months ago

hello Thomas,

I think all three versions are exceptional. you blew me away with the third. I don't get to read such emotional material very often, it wounds the heart.

*hugs, Cat