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Mar 03, 2022
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Long Distance Love
He sang for me last night
Just a whisper of a song but it shined so bright
I heard the longing in his voice
Like he wanted to love but it wasn't his choice
I thought that we could make this work
That distance doesn't matter just like love doesn't need to hurt
That a hundred miles apart isn't that far
But sitting alone in my room was too hard
But he will always have my heart tucked in the pocket in his shirt
And I can’t help falling for this lonely boy, though we never come face to face
With all his flaws and insecurities, I still want to feel his warm embrace
I want this lonely boy to see that I want to fix his hurt
My friends all told me, that he wasn't real and would hurt me, but I guess they haven't felt true love yet
When you know it's real, then that's love till the very end
I try to fix all my mistakes to get this lonely boy to see its real
But I guess I’ll just sit back and let my broken heart heal
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I wrote this song about a boy that I write letters to. I got inspiration from the song Fingers crossed by Elijah woods
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
dear Viviana,
your title is okay, but not great, it could some more thought. is this "boy" an internet relationship? have you ever met him, seen him in person or heard his voice? I'm wondering if he is a real person and even a "he".
what I am saying is that there are a lot of phonies out there who like to play games with nice, sweet, innocent people such as yourself. also dangerous people, so be very careful.
your poem needs structural work, but it has potential.
*hugs, Cat
*
Viviana Smith
3 years 4 months ago
haha
thanks for the care lol but this is for school.
Im supposed to be emailing someone from another country to get to know their culture.
Its perfectly safe, but he's different than most guys. Also i got inspiration from this song
Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
hello again...
I've thought it over... maybe removing (songs help] would make a better title.
*hugs, Cat
*
Viviana Smith
3 years 4 months ago
haha
the song help is there to say i need help with this song
Candlewitch
3 years 4 months ago
okay...
cool... thanks for the explanation.
*hugs, Cat
*
Geezer
3 years 4 months ago
Hello Viviana...
I've been wondering when you would pop up again! You have a good poem here. I can see this as a school project.
That said, I should tell you that there are a couple of things that your teacher will call you out on.
1] it should be [shone on] instead of shined on.
2] pocket [of] his shirt.
3] I would use [can] instead of want for the end of the line: "I want this boy to see, that I [can] fix his hurt."
Go over your punctuation and make sure that you get the ones that you missed.
I think that you can get an A for this one!
Nice to see you, don't be such a stranger! ~ Geez.
.