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Mar 03, 2022
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In that moment
We are in that moment sweet darling
The wonderment of pain is upon us
The trees are going to wail as they grumble
Soldiers footsteps will be heard as they fumble
We are in that moment sweet loved one
The horrendous flashback of pain will descend upon you
You stood tall way back when
But this is now, it is not back then
We are in that moment sweet planet
A millions stars dance above us
The earth cries out once more
The oceans scream like never before
We are in that moment sweet soldier
Your heart will now beat like a drum in a March
Smoke your last roll up and soak in the air
For soon it will be too painful to bear
We are in that moment sweet mother
As your tears fall like rain from a leaf
Soldiers footsteps stamp on the ground
Gunshots and bombs are the only sounds
We are in that moment sweet humanity
Pray for our world
Pray our people
Ukraine we love you
We are all equal
About This Poem
Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
3 years 8 months ago
I get it...
I see that your words have more meaning to them than first be seen. Yes, we are in a new world, we must stand up as we have not stood in a long time.
If I may, I will give you a couple of pointers on a line or two.
1]. The horrendous flashback of pain will descend [upon] you
2]. The oceans scream like never before. delete the word [out]
3]. misspelling of [bear]
You have a good poem here; you will gain skill and confidence as you continue to read others work and write your own.
I have seen many, who have gained confidence and have become very good writers. They have taken the advice of the others here and not been afraid to post their work for others to read and critique, that is the way of this site. We consider ourselves family and we are glad to add another. Welcome to Neo.
~ Geezer.
.
Nicola newell
3 years 8 months ago
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice! It’s very much appreciated.
Candlewitch
3 years 8 months ago
hello Nicola,
if I may add to Gee's observations, these two lines are a bit rough:
You stood tall way back when
But this is now, it is not back then
the rest of the poem is great. very poignant. keep on writing!
*hugs, Cat