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Apr 25, 2022
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MORNING AROMA ( RANDOM CHALLENGE 14)
Your body scent
drops a flourish fragrance
like jasmine; a sweet floral
smells travel ascending to the moon
a feminine sweetness tenaciously
rousing my love and admiring you more
your aroma is now necessary
for me alone to inhale
you are
the goddess of love
you're beautiful
strong floral and
sweet fragrance
that is highly romantic
I'll pause the sun not to shine against thee
untill it turns into short-wave length color
for you're not eligible to change into black skin
you're my morning aroma
I will never give chance for odious
aroma to penetrate here
your scent anoints my environment
and there is fullness of joy of peace
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years 2 months ago
dear Onyinyechi,
in this line: like a jasmine; a sweet floral. remove the first "a" so it reads:
(like jasmine; a sweet floral)
this line is awkward: rousing my love and (staring) more on you
the problem word is the one in parentheses maybe use (gazing or admiring) then take out (on)
I really like your poem these are my favorite lines:
your aroma is now necessary
for me alone to inhale
*hugs, Cat
Jackweb
3 years 2 months ago
Thank you cat
I will work on it.
Candlewitch
3 years 2 months ago
that is beautiful!
it flows so much better now with the changes!
*hugs, Cat