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May 25, 2022
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TONIGHT
TONIGHT
The vibes of Nile's night
the twerking of twilight
the pleas of pleasure
the cold caresses of the wind
the mounting smile of the moon
bedazzle me, tonight
Take me to the journey of pleasure
let me be the horse of your ride
the soft mattress of your comfort
the warmth hands of your massage
bewitch me, tonight
Don't spare me, back and forth
drive me to the realms have never been
I'm the body of your conveyance
to the empire of satisfaction
I'm the soothing ointment of your soul
the two in one on the path of ectasy
under sheets of blackness with
the staring eyes of the sky.
Dunni Ebenco
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years 1 month ago
hello,
the twerking of twilight (instead of twerking, try "twinkling" )
Take me to the journey of pleasure (Take me on the journey of pleasure)
the warmth hands of your massage (the warm hands)
drive me to the realms have never been (drive me to the realms that have never been)
my favorite lines are:
The vibes of Nile's night
the twerking of twilight
the pleas of pleasure
the cold caresses of the wind
the mounting smile of the moon
bedazzle me, tonight
because it is phrased romantically and the beauty shines through. the title is good, language usage is good except for the rough spots I pointed out.
*always, Cat
Dunni Ebenco
3 years 1 month ago
Noted...Thank you,
Noted...Thank you, Candlewitch.