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Jun 21, 2022
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Yours, from a distance
I'm not yours.
I've never been yours
and I probably will never be yours.
But I want you,
and I've wanted you,
and I will continue to want you.
When the sun shines
I see your smile.
When that song plays
I hear your voice.
You feel so close,
yet untouchable.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Looking to add to it just a thought I wrote down.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
3 years ago
Good title
I like the title. The poem is good. I think it needs reformatting.
Try this:
I’m not yours.
I’ve never been yours
and I will probably never be yours.
But I want you,
and I’ve wanted you,
and I will continue to want you.
When the sun shines
I see your smile.
When that song plays
I hear your voice.
You feel so close,
yet untouchable.
It will force the reader into your pattern which is excellent.
The internal logic is fine. Well done. Keep it up.
Candlewitch
3 years ago
hello,
I completely agree with Rosewood Apothecary. very nice poem.
*hugs, Cat