Rosewood Apothecary

Jul 15, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Clarity, Life, and Sadness (Blue)

Calm and clearest skies
Deepest ocean too
Reflections on a glassy lake
Guide me towards what is true

Veins of living cobalt
Often like to pray
Make their gods of sapphire stars
Before meandering on their way

Twisted by the journey
Anxious to embark
Plunging over precipice
Loudly dashed upon the rocks

A turning in the story
Truthful still, but sad
Changes in perspective now
Have got you seeing only bad

Ask the saddest jester
This tune, he knows it too
Needs to feel the deep despair
He blankets all his songs in blue

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: U.S.A., USA

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman. I’m enamored by the work of lyricists such as Robert Hunter, John Barlow, John Dyer Baizley, and Tom Marshall just to name a handful.

Comments

Geezer

2 years 12 months ago

Water, the stuff of life...

I like the way it figures prominently here.
The last line of the first stanza could be tighter; with [what's true]
I'm not sure of what the line: Veins of living cobalt; means?

How about [wandering on their way]? one less syllable

The rest is spot on!
I felt the calm of the lake, the sereneness of the ocean and the
falling, splashing of a waterfall! Even the blue of the jester
made me feel cool on a hot day today! ~ Geez.
.

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 12 months ago

Veins

Cobalt is a semiprecious metal. It has a blueish color. Veins are kinda blue too. It’s a metaphor for rivers.

Geezer

2 years 12 months ago

I get...

that line now. Just wasn't in the right arena! Thanks for the explanation. The meandering line now has nine beats, the line I have suggested, has eight.
~ Geez.
.

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 12 months ago

In music we have notes strung together with slurs. When I read meandering I’m really kinda saying me-an-dring. I was a musician for 7 years before I started any kind of writing. You’re absolutely correct though. I have a bit of Mark Twain to my lyrics in that it’s almost never “going to” it’s almost always “gonna”. “Pourin” not “pouring”. I will concede if read properly it’s cumbersome. It’s definitely the product of my blue collar upbringing.

Thanks again for reading, commenting, and your general awesomeness,
Tim

Geezer

2 years 12 months ago

My awesomeness...

doesn't count here! This is your spot to shine; and you certainly did! I agree, that colloquial language means everything in cases like this and when you are writing for the home-town crew. Now, that I've been properly informed as to the inflections
and rhythm of this piece, I agree whole-heartedly! Kudos and salutations! Bruce Forever!
~ Geez.
.

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 12 months ago

I’ll give those edits a thought

There’s a few last lines of 7 syllables and a few of 8. I kinda like the flow that way. If I find a word I like for meandering (I over use it) I’ll make the swap as long as we get 7 or 8 syllables.

Thanks for reading and for the suggestions,
Tim

RoseBlack

2 years 12 months ago

Blue

Great write. I like the flow and the story behind the color. Blue has so many purposes as you hit on with this poem. My favorite lines are:
Ask the saddest jester
This tune, he knows it too
Needs to feel the deep despair
He blankets all his songs in blue

Candlewitch

2 years 12 months ago

dear Tim,

I really liked the same lines as RoseBlack. excellent poem as is!

ever, eddy
always, Cat

Depressed 1

2 years 11 months ago

Me Too

I also liked the last lines. They were so vivid to me.