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Jul 19, 2022
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Vampire Heart
Black eyes
Sunken in
Upon ashen skin
Safe from dawn's first light
Porcelain fangs
Stained in red
Remnants of a night
Well fed
Translucent tears
Wound in discontent
A wounded heart
Beats inside an undead chest
She longed to be normal
To feel the sunbeams on her breast
Her soul cried for his affection
But alas ..
To her box she went
Waiting for the moon's
Bleached out dance
When the hunt begins again
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
2 years 11 months ago
I was caught up...
in the story and almost didn't notice the odd rhyme scheme. I won't try to repair it, because I think that it might ruin the flow, rather than fix it. I will direct you to a work of mine written sometime back, that has a similair theme. It's called "Racing Nights"
6/22/2016, a little something you might like. ~ Geez.
.
RoseBlack
2 years 11 months ago
Hi Geez
Glad you enjoyed the story. I will definitely check out your poem! Sometimes I rhyme accidentally and it flows fairly well.
Candlewitch
2 years 11 months ago
dear RoseBlack.
I had a thought on the title: (Vamperic Heart) vampiric is a word I found on dictionary.com
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/vampiric
I loved these lines, as I feel the exact opposite:
To her box she went
Waiting for the moon's
Bleached out dance
When the hunt begins again
respect, Cat & eddy
RoseBlack
2 years 11 months ago
Hi Cat
Thank you for your input. Vampiric is a good word but I kind of like the title I chose. Glad you enjoyed.
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 11 months ago
Really good storyteller
Captivating from the first. I’m not much on horror, vampires and all that but a good story is just that. You’ve got one here.
I want to read one line differently and as such here it is…
Translucent tears
Wound in discontent
A wounded heart
Beats inside an undead chest
It does nothing really, the tense stays the same, the original isn’t necessarily cumbersome. I just liked the quicker, sharper sounding last line. The whole stanza is hard consonant sounds this make it congruent. It’s an attitude thing I think.
Or just leave it because it’s great!
Tim
RoseBlack
2 years 11 months ago
Hi Tim
I agree that last line sounded better with your edit to it. It was much cleaner sounding. Thank you!