Stone, Storm and Self Pity (Gray)

Stonehenge stands in leaden glory
Mayan pyramids too
Sunlight, silver silhouettes
The venerable form of Machu Piccu

Or smaller personal monuments
Lined up in plotted rows
Sullen slabs to mark our rest
Dark beneath December snows

Clouds gather, darken skies
Thunder, lightning, pouring rain
Obscure vision just like smoke
Drapes the soul in mental pain

Cheerless is the winter light
What little light there is
Lonely is the daily fight
For just a cup of happiness

Colorless existence grows
Hopeless outlook stifles
Tasteless life takes hold of you
Makes mountains out of trifles

As the hue approaches black
A study in charcoal
Reveals the quarried milestones
Calling us to every goal

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: U.S.A., USA

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman. I’m enamored by the work of lyricists such as Robert Hunter, John Barlow, John Dyer Baizley, and Tom Marshall just to name a handful.

Comments

Geezer

2 years 11 months ago

Yes...

I love it! Only one line, I think deserves a little attention:

[Lined up in neat rows.] It is not enough to add a syllable to the meter, but
it should be added at the precise place to keep the flow.
I would add a syllable to [neat], making it neat[er] or neat[end].

Your title is great, and the logic holds fast throughout the entire piece to the end.
Nice job! ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

2 years 11 months ago

dear RA, (the Sun god)

I like Geezers idea of (neatened) it feels unobtrusive. very nice tribute to (gray) as you gave it an anonymous character. my favorite lines are:

As the hue approaches black
A study in charcoal
Reveals the quarried milestones
Calling us to every goal

*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy

RoseBlack

2 years 11 months ago

Well written homage

To Grey. I like Geezer's idea of neatened but other than that, another flawless write. Good job.

Depressed 1

2 years 11 months ago

Stonehenge

I would love to see the mysterious Stonehenge one day. Reading your poem is the next best thing.